My Own Psalm 6

This is by far the hardest post I have written as of yet.  At the end of the previous post, I mentioned wondering what it would be like if I wrote my own version of Psalm 6 based on bold demands, bold honesty, and bold confidence.  So, I did it.  Before you read it, though, please keep in mind that it is not at all easy for me to make myself vulnerable, especially not at this level.  First of all, I truly am being boldly honest.  Second, even though I love to write and have always possessed some level of talent, I never let anyone read something that is still a draft, and I feel like this is.  I am a perfectionist and rarely let anyone in on something that is anything less than nearly perfect.  

Psalm 6 - A Psalm of Katie

Lord, do not neglect me in your indifference 
   or ignore me in your apathy.  
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am desperate;
   renew me, Lord, for my soul is unfeeling.
My faith is in tatters.
   How long, O Lord, how long?


Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
   reach out to me because of your unfailing love.
I cannot remember you when you feel so distant.
   Who praises you when it echoes back, seemingly unheard?


I am worn out from trying.


For years I have scattered my days with frustrated weeping
   and drenched my face with hopeless tears.
My heart grows weak with futility;
   it stagnates because there is no discernible response.


Come back to me, God of my youth;
   I know you have heard my weeping.
You have heard my demand for connection;
   you accept my prayer.
All my years of distance will not be wasted by insignificance;
   they will be used to strengthen my faith.

Psalm 2

This Psalm was a little bit hard to get into at first.  At first glance, all I saw was largely irrelevant talk about plotting against God and being a wise ruler.  Then, all the sudden, I get to the last line: "Blessed are all who take refuge in him."  I was taken back immediately by seeing the word refuge following the rest of the Psalm that didn't seem to apply to me at all.  After all, the reason I started reading the Psalms is because I felt like I was lacking refuge.

The more I think about why that line is at the end of this Psalm, the more uncomfortable I feel.  As I've mentioned in the previous posts, I have felt distant and sometimes ignored by God off and on for the past several years.  So, when I see something referring to God as a place of refuge, I wonder why that hasn't been true for me?  Maybe it would help to walk through my thinking when I read the second-to-last line with the last.  That line says, "For his wrath can flare up in a moment."  It doesn't seem to mesh with the next verse about God being a refuge.  Combine that with the growing feeling of disconnect between myself and God and I end up being more than a little uncomfortable.

When I read the whole Psalm, there are certain words that stick out, some of them deal with people who "plot" against God and some of them deal with those who are sons of God.  Here are some that deal with people who plot against God and some of the things that immediately came to mind:

• conspire
• plot
• vain - All my efforts to renew my relationship with God have seemed to be in vain.
• chains - I feel like I'm chained, like I'm being weighed down by something I can't quite put my finger on.
• fetters
• scoff
• rebuke - Could God be rebuking me for some reason?  Is that why there is this distant?
• anger - I don't mind admitting that I have been angry with God.  It took me a long time to be able to admit it even to myself, though, so admitting it to anyone who reads this is a bit of a stretch.
• terrifies
• wrath
• destroyed - I feel like my confidence in my faith is being destroyed, maybe not by an active force, but possibly by passivity.

Then, I read the Psalm again and notice all the words that are about the sons of God, the ones who find refuge in God:

• ask - I have grown tired by the lack of the response, so I have stopped asking.
• inheritance
• rule
• wise - I feel anything but wise.
• warned
• serve with fear
• rejoice with trembling - I don't do much rejoicing about my faith.
• blessed
• refuge - Again, I definitely feel as if I have been lacking refuge during some of the biggest struggles I've ever dealt with.

When I look at these words and their connotations, I feel more connected to the first list than the second one.  Those words seem more in line with what I've been feeling about my faith. I'm still not sure what this says about me or about God.  Like I've mentioned before, there are more questions than answers.  And the more I process everything, the more I don't understand.