Psalm 5 - Refuge

There was a time when I knew what it felt like to have refuge in God, but I haven't felt that way in a long time.  If I had to pinpoint one word to say what I feel like I've been missing in my life, it would be refuge.  That word means so much to me that it's hard to even define, so I tried to define it visually.

When I hear the word refuge, I have a temporary physical reaction: a deep breath, a relaxed posture, and my eyes momentarily drift closed.  A refuge is a place of complete unburdening, the ability to let go of everything that is weighing down my heart and my mind.

And then, I feel frustration, anger, and bitterness.  Why is God only letting me have refuge so infrequently, for a few seconds here and there?  Why can I not carry that sense of refuge with me like I used to when dealing with difficult situations?  

An excellent friend pointed out to me a couple days ago that it might be a good idea for me to forget about what things used to be like for me and look toward the future instead.  She is absolutely right.  I think it's healthy for me to want to examine why I am in the place I currently am in, but not for me to use it as more fuel for any anger and bitterness I have towards God.  So yes, I have felt as if God is holding out on me, letting me see glimpses of what I desire so badly, but always keeping complete refuge and unburdening just out of reach.  But now I want to look at my past as a way to understand where I am at present so that I can move on.

It's not that I expect my circumstances to be easy because I have faith in God, because I don't.  But, ever since things started getting difficult between God and I way back in college, I've felt like God is allowing dozens of stressors and horrible circumstances to pound away at my faith and sense of well-being without providing me that sense of refuge - that feeling that I have somewhere I can retreat to in a moment and experience safety and peace in the midst of chaos.

Maybe I haven't looked for it hard enough (more on that in a later post) or in the right places.  Maybe there really haven't been many opportunities for refuge after all.  Maybe my memory is too short and I'm too quickly forgetting the times when I have been able to unburden completely.

Whatever the reason, I realize that my heart has become hardened towards God because I have perceived a lack of refuge so often since my freshman year of college.  After a while, I think I quit looking for God to provide refuge and even stopped asking for it.  (If you want to read more about the process of hardening my heart, read the entry from July 19 called "Psalm 1").

Psalm 1 (and then some)

According to Psalm 1:6a, "The LORD watches over the way of the righteous."  I've been immersed in Christian culture long enough to know the truth of that statement, at least in my head.  In the past, I would have turned to a verse like that when I was struggling and been comforted.  Now, reading that verse leaves me  vaguely disturbed.  It's hard to explain how I can simultaneously know the truth of God's protection and also feel uncomfortable when reading a verse about it, but it basically comes down to a general overriding feeling that while God may be watching over me, he is certainly not interceding for me in any way.  Again, I'm not trying to offend or renounce my faith, so don't worry about me too much.

Here are the options that come to mind when I think about verse 6:

1. I am not, in fact, righteous enough to be watched over.  Therefore, I need to repent to be made righteous in God's eyes.  This makes sense as I know I am a sinner, but makes me feel like there are some magic words that need to be said to make everything better with God.  And that doesn't mesh with everything I have ever known to be true about Him.
2. I am actually being watched over, but I fail to recognize God's presence.  I need to be more aware of how He is working in my life.  But, how do I go about being more aware of Him.
3. The promise is untrue.  I'm not saying this is what I believe, but logically, it's an option for why I feel like I'm not being watched over.
4. When God says He will watch over us, He doesn't mean that He will actually step in, just that He is aware of what is going on.  So maybe, for some reason, God is fully aware of my struggle and not providing peace and comfort while I'm dealing with the difficulties.  This, to me, is the most devastating possible conclusion of the four.  How could a God I know to be loving see how much I'm struggling, hear me desperately call to Him, and not respond to me?

I think there might be some truth in some of these options.  I am a sinner who constantly needs to repent, something that I don't do nearly as much as I need to.  I am probably turning a blind eye to the way God is actually working in my life, partly because I'm angry and partly because I'm out of practice.  I don't think God should remove me from the struggle or fix the situation, but I also don't think there's anything biblically unsound about expecting peace or comfort.  

So I guess I'm no closer to understanding what it really means that God is watching over me.  I was brought up to believe verses like Psalm 1:6 and also Nahum 1:7, which says, "The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble.  He cares for those who trust him."  I have felt this sense of refuge before, but now, because God has felt so distant through so many troubled times, me heart can't honestly admit to trusting that God is my refuge. Sadly, this has meant that I don't have any reliable source of refuge at all through what has been the most emotionally difficult times of my life.

I am going into this "study" with more questions than answers.  In fact, the more I think about my questions, the more I come up with.  But, life is not always packaged neatly.  Sometimes questions take time to be answered and sometimes there are no answers to be had, and I'm learning that the process of seeking answers can be more trying than I ever imagined.

So, I guess my goal in all this is not really to look for simple answers. I'm seeking to be honest with myself and my God as I question and eventually, to find the peace and refuge that has been alluding me for so long.