Psalm 16 - More About Refuge

If you've kept up with this blog, you will recognize this recurring theme of refuge.  My inability to experience refuge is what prompted the blog in the first place and I've mentioned repeatedly how the whole blog seems to be a journey focused on finding that safe refuge I used to so easily fall into.

To be honest, even with some of the new understandings about refuge that have settled into my heart, I still get uneasy when I come across another psalm focused on the topic.  It's like when you are already feeling self-conscious about the only clean outfit you could find that morning and then you get to work and someone mentions that there is a stain on the front of the shirt.  It makes you cringe and want to pick a fight all at the same time.  That might not be the best analogy, but I'm struggling to define exactly why it is so hard to read a psalm that deals with the purpose of the blog - refuge.

I guess the main reason reading about refuge is uncomfortable to me is because it is so obviously lacking from my life.  I try hard to have faith, but it's not always easy when things are tough and I can't seem to grasp onto the refuge I used to so easily take hold of.  I read about how refuge means a safe place and get frustrated because I can't seem to find that safe place.  Then, I wonder why I can't find refuge.  What am I doing wrong?  Why is God ignoring me?  Is he ignoring me?  When will things finally change?  The list continues and I have no answers.  At all.

So, Psalm 16 is no different than the previous refuge-focused psalms to me.  It's tough.  I see what refuge should look like and I long for it and I become frustrated because I can't reach it.  Then, I beat myself up.  If only I did this or this, God might let me have the refuge I desire.  Maybe if I wasn't so _____ or _____, I could feel close to God again.  Then I wonder, how much of this thinking is God trying to point me back toward him and how much of it is Satan trying to pull me away.

If you know me well, you know that I'm a very analytical person.  I spend a lot of time thinking and making decisions.  My brain and my heart do not handle unanswered questions very well.  I am used to understanding things and understanding them easily.  The current state of my relationship with God, however, seems incomprehensible.  How did I get here and how do I get out?  I think Psalm 16 helps illuminate some of those answers, even if the answers aren't exactly what I'm looking for.

Verse 4 says, "those who run after other gods will suffer more and more."  I could go on for a while about this idea of other gods, or idols, but I'll keep this brief.  While I don't chase down other deities, I do let my focus stray from the true God.  I don't worship things other than God, but I do let other things block the focus that should be directed toward Him.

I want to be able to say that God is "my portion and my cup," like David says in verse 5.  I know that once I am able to say that with honesty, I will be able to stop focusing on the circumstances in my life that seem so difficult at times.  Just like in verse 6, I want to praise the Lord and the instruction of God in my heart always.  I want to keep my eyes on the Lord and remain firm, unshaken, like in verse 7.

My Own Psalm 6

This is by far the hardest post I have written as of yet.  At the end of the previous post, I mentioned wondering what it would be like if I wrote my own version of Psalm 6 based on bold demands, bold honesty, and bold confidence.  So, I did it.  Before you read it, though, please keep in mind that it is not at all easy for me to make myself vulnerable, especially not at this level.  First of all, I truly am being boldly honest.  Second, even though I love to write and have always possessed some level of talent, I never let anyone read something that is still a draft, and I feel like this is.  I am a perfectionist and rarely let anyone in on something that is anything less than nearly perfect.  

Psalm 6 - A Psalm of Katie

Lord, do not neglect me in your indifference 
   or ignore me in your apathy.  
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am desperate;
   renew me, Lord, for my soul is unfeeling.
My faith is in tatters.
   How long, O Lord, how long?


Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
   reach out to me because of your unfailing love.
I cannot remember you when you feel so distant.
   Who praises you when it echoes back, seemingly unheard?


I am worn out from trying.


For years I have scattered my days with frustrated weeping
   and drenched my face with hopeless tears.
My heart grows weak with futility;
   it stagnates because there is no discernible response.


Come back to me, God of my youth;
   I know you have heard my weeping.
You have heard my demand for connection;
   you accept my prayer.
All my years of distance will not be wasted by insignificance;
   they will be used to strengthen my faith.

Psalm 6 - Bold Demands, Bold Honesty, and Bold Confidence

The notes in my Bible say that David is requesting relief from an illness brought about as a rebuke for sin.  I'm not sure how they know that exactly, but I'm curious to know what was going on in David's life at the time.  What had he done?  How long had it been going on?  How long was he ill before he actually prayed this?

When I look at the way Psalm 6 is set up, I immediately notice the format.  There are two halves split in the middle by the beginning of verse 6 which says, "I am worn out from my groaning."  Because I was curious, I looked it up and this same literary device is used in Psalms 8, 21, 23, 34, 42, 47, 48, 54, 71, 74, 76, 82, 86, 92, 97, 113, 138, and 141.  The format of this psalm makes the sentence "I am worn out from my groaning" the climax, or turning point of the poem.  And when I read more carefully, I find that it really is the turning point.

1st Half - BOLD DEMANDS
For the first half of the psalm, David is begging for mercy.  He uses verbs, commanding God to do something:

• "Do not rebuke me"
• "Have mercy on me"
• "Heal me"
• "Turn and deliver me"
• "Save me"

This is bold.  David does not say, "Hey, if you wouldn't mind, would you please help me out a little."  He says, "Have mercy on me."  He even goes so far as to tell God no one can praise God from the grave.  

Climax - BOLD HONESTY

Then, the turning point, during which David is no less bold and honest.  He's straight-forward about being worn out.  He doesn't say he's felt better or pretend that things really aren't that bad as I tend to do when asked how I'm doing.  He feels miserable, so he tells God.

2nd Half - BOLD CONFIDENCE

The second half of the psalm is just as bold, but in a different way.  David displays remarkable confidence that God has heard him, even though he has yet to be healed:

• "Away from me evil"
• "The Lord has heard"
• "The Lord accepts my prayer"
• "My enemies will be ashamed and disgraced"

He still has no relief from his agony or assurance of healing, yet he triumphantly tells evil to be gone and says that the Lord has heard his prayer and accepted it.  He confidently proclaims that his enemies will be ashamed and disgraced.  

Psalm 6 has given me a lot to think about.  I know I started reading the Psalms because I knew they were bold and honest, but I suppose I forgot just how frank they were and how supremely confident the authors sometimes seem in the midst of their honesty.  It makes me wonder:

• Where does this confidence come from?
• How does David seem to know that God has heard him and accepted his prayer even though he's still not healed?
• If I were to write a similarly honest psalm to God containing bold demands, bold honesty, and bold confidence, what would it look like?

Psalm 4 - Answer Me When I Call

Here's some advanced warning: This is a long blog entry.  I understand you might not have the time or desire to read it in it's entirety, although I think there are some good insights in there.  However, if you don't want to read all of it, read the first three paragraphs and the last one.

Like Psalm 3, Psalm 4 is divided into three sections that I can see:

1. A demand for God to provide relief from distress.  This demand is directed towards God as David says, "Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God."  
2. Knowledge that God has set apart the godly and will hear their prayers, including David's own prayer for relief.  Also, a command to search your own heart and not lay blame elsewhere.  This section is directed towards people.
3. Trust in God because he can provide even greater joy than prosperity can.  He will allow you to sleep in peace, even in troubled times.  Again, this section is directed towards people.

This is where things get difficult for me.  My life is easier now than it was when I started this.  I don't feet the same pressure as I was earlier this year.  Therefore, it's going to be hard for me to look deeper instead of focusing on all the "Sunday School Answers" I've learned my whole life.  I'm going to have to really take my time and look at what I'm really supposed to be learning.  After all, my goal was to develop a real relationship with God based on honesty.

When I look deeper into this psalm, what immediately strikes me is the way David almost commands God to take action.  He says "answer me" and "give me relief" and "have mercy on me" and "hear my prayer." It seems gutsy almost to the point of being impertinent - and that's just in the first verse!  These four commands resonate with me in a way that not much else has over the past year as those are the exact same things I have felt like I have needed.  I need for God to answer me and give me relief and have mercy on me and hear my prayer, but what I want to focus on first is the first part of the verse where David says, "Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God."

The line struck me as almost unusual and made me wonder if there are any other places where the same phrasing is used.  There are.  According to my study Bible, there are seven times David uses this particular phrasing, not to mention the times other authors used it in the Bible.  I want to take a minute to look at the times when David uses it.

• Psalm 3:4 - "I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain."
• Psalm 4:1 - "Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God."
• Psalm 17:6 - "I call on you, my God, for you will answer me."
• Psalm 22:2 - "My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest."
• Psalm 27:7 - "Hear my voice when I call, LORD; be merciful to me and answer me."
• Psalm 86:7 - "When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me."
• Psalm 138:3 - "When I called, you answered me; you greatly emboldened me."

The bold verses above are ones where David doesn't mention an answer or even a possible answer from God.    Obviously, David knew that God would answer him because there are four other specific times where he uses the same language but added that God answered.  So, why did he leave that hopeful part out of the other three verses?  Based on my own experiences, I see at least four options:

1. He didn't feel like God was answering or would be answering soon.
2. He knew that God would answer based on his knowledge of God and past experiences, but saying it in that moment seemed forced, so he left it out.
3. He was feeling desperate and perhaps a little angry.
4. He knew the truth, but had a hard time believing it in the moment.

I can relate to all those explanations.  I know what it feels like to feel like God's not answering.  I still don't feel God's presence.  The only difference is, at this particular time in my life, I don't feel the same desperation I was feeling not long ago.  

If you skimmed over all of that because it seemed tedious to you, here's the part I'd like you to read.  From reading Psalm 4:1 and other verses from David like it, I've reached some conclusions.  First, it's acceptable to God to feel desperate and demand answers.  It's also fine not to verbally acknowledge the truths you know about God in those moments.  Second, even when it's not acknowledged or felt, the truth remains that God does answer my cries.  Lastly, it's easier to see those answers during times when I am farther removed from the pressure that caused the desperation in the first place.