Answer Us When We Call - Psalm 20, Part 2

In the previous post, I mentioned that I feel a certain amount of shame over an area where I doubt God. I have full confidence in the almighty power of God.  It's never been an issue of whether God could show his power in my life, but rather an issue of whether God would.  After spending the past several years with the general feeling that God wouldn't use that power in my life (whether I should have been feeling that or not isn't really the issue right now), I am noticing a certain amount of bitterness in my relationship with God that wasn't there before.

All that being said, I am excited to look at the second part of Psalm 20.  I broke this up into two parts not because the psalm is particularly long (it isn't), but because I felt like my thoughts were going in such different directions they just needed to be posted separately.

The last part of Psalm 20 begins with a very confident statement, "Now this I know."  I talked about this some in my last post, but I do want to take a second to remember the reason David, the psalmist, is so assured.  Here's what he knows: "The Lord gives victory to his anointed.  He answers from his heavenly sanctuary."  He doesn't say when or how this victory will come or try to explain why it hasn't come yet, he just has overwhelming faith that it will come.  Somehow.

The next part of the psalm talks about the two choices when it comes to trusting that this victory is coming:

1. Trust in chariots or in horses.  (Now I'm going to take some interpretive license and apply that thought to some of the worldly things I might be tempted to trust in.  Like myself and my own abilities.  After all, I don't think many of us put trust in chariots anymore!)
2. Trust in the name of God.  

To help with our decision of what to trust, David lets us know where both choices lead:

1. Those who trust in "chariots" are brought to their knees and fall.
2. Those who trust in God will rise and stand firm.

Now, maybe it's the nerd in me, but I actually get excited at the poetry of this.  Trust in worldly things and be brought to your knees; trust in God and rise.  Trust in worldly things and fall; trust in God and stand firm.  Does anyone else see the beauty of this simple juxtaposition?  

Here's another interesting thought that just occurred to me: those who trust in worldly things fall and are brought to their knees.  What a perfect time to pray, to repent and trust in God instead, to be given the opportunity to rise and stand firm!  

When I first opened to this psalm, I quick skim of the verses led me to believe that it was a gloating, victorious passage.  It is not what I assumed it to be.  The words written by David so long ago apply to my life more than I imagined.  It's not at all about basking in the victory God has provided, but instead about trusting that God will answer and protect and provide that victory.  It's about firmly and confidently trusting and having faith in God and that in itself being a source of joy and comfort.  

May the Lord Answer You - Psalm 20, Part 1

Here is yet another example of a psalm that actually makes me nervous to think about, much less reflect on and write about.  For some reason, the beginning of this psalm leaves me feeling intimidated.  I'm not sure I can even explain what it is that leaves me feeling like anything I could say would be inadequate, but I think it all boils down to one word: shame.

Let me attempt to explain.  You see, I have been a Christian for a very long time.  I grew up in a Christian home with Christian values and have never doubted God's power.  So it shames me to be honest and say that I have been struggling for a while now with the perceived lack of God's power in my life.

Maybe I need to explain my explanation.  I know in my head that God is all-powerful and I believe that to be true whole-heartedly.  However, I have, at times, doubted whether God will use that power in my life in tangible ways.  It has never been an issue of could God, but rather would God.  Many times it has seemed, at least, that the answer is that God would not, leading to a vague sense of bitterness on my part.

So, when I read Psalm 20 and see a list of things that God is fully capable, I am conflicted because I believe my God can accomplish all that and more, but I don't have as much confidence that he will do that in my life right now.  And what does it say about my faith that I lack that confidence?

Verses 1 through 5 are framed by two very similar sentiments:

• May the Lord answer you when you are in distress.
• May the Lord grant all your requests.

In between though, may start to help me process through some of the bitterness I have felt.

Following the opening line, "May the Lord answer you when you are in distress," there is a list of requests.  May God:

• protect you
• send help
• grant support
• remember your sacrifices
• accept your offerings
• give you your desires
• make your plans succeed

Without transition, this is followed by what the response to those answered prayers would be: shouts of joy and lifting high the banner of God.  Basically, this means a lot of loud and obvious praising of God for bringing victory and answering prayer.  

Then comes the reminder that God hasn't yet answered the prayers, "May the Lord grant all your requests."  The psalmist, David in this case, has listed his requests in confidence fully believing that God could do all of that and more.  I wonder if he felt any shame over doubting whether God would answer.  

I tend to think that there wasn't any shame because the very next line boldly states, "Now this I know." There is no room for doubt in that confident, faith-filled statement.  Makes you wonder what would have David so confident if his prayers hadn't been answered yet.  

Well, here it is: "The Lord gives victory to his anointed.  He answers from his heavenly sanctuary..."  Again, no room for doubt or shame in that statement.  God may not have answered yet, but David had faith that he would.  

Like I said before, I have never doubted the power of God.  Maybe it's time for me to start trusting in that power a little more.  Then maybe I will share a little bit of David's confidence.

The (Brutally) Honest Truth

Just a caution, if you can't handle someone being brutally honest with where they stand with God, pretend you never saw this post.  The whole point of this blog has been to honestly share what God is doing in my life, through my struggles and triumphs.  This is one of the struggles and I'm not exactly sugar-coating it.

I cannot catch a break.  I know I've said this before to some friends and I might have even said it in a post.  I feel like every time I am doing what God led me to do in the first place, he starts loading me with more and more until I can't handle it anymore.  I have surpassed my breaking point.  A couple days ago, I was approaching it and now it feels like that invisible threshold is miles behind where I am now.  I am so angry I can barely make it from one minute to the next without showing it in some way, whether through body language, the way I talk to the people I love, or just flat-out crying for no observable reason.  I am falling apart at the seams.  

Here's what I know some of you are probably thinking right now, "God will take care of you if you let him."  The reason I know that's the Christian thought-process is because I have been coached to automatically think like that for as long as I can remember.  This type of automatic thinking just isn't cutting it.  I'm still not denying God or walking away from Him, but I have reached the point where I can't even think about Him without being angry.  I need to be able to move past the automaticity to something that is more meaningful, but I just can't get there.

What happened to put me over the edge?  One of my children picked up a stomach bug, something that I do not handle very well, especially when it happens in the middle of all the other stressors I am dealing with.  I was driving home from work and I remember just begging God to just let it be just the one child.  After all, with four kids in the house, this could easily turn into a weeks-long marathon of no sleep and cleaning up messes.  Add to that a diabetic husband, and my worry level goes through the roof.  Scott could easily end up hospitalized from something as simple as a stomach virus.  So, as I almost never do, I asked God to just take this one thing away from us.  Let us handle fevers, colds, coughs, just not a stomach virus.  I felt a release.  I felt a peace.  Two things I don't generally feel when I pray recently.  Usually I feel, well, nothing.  So, I trusted that God really would let this end with the one child.

No more than 24 hours later, another child develops the same stomach bug and my fragile trust was broken.

I can already think of dozens of arguments against my current thinking.  You might be thinking them, too.

It's just life; it's not like God is making the stomach bug go around.  But, the all-powerful God, whom I have been worshiping since I was a kid could have cut me a break on this particular round of stress because I asked.  He just didn't.

I'm just overreacting because of my current, temporary circumstances.  It goes deeper than that.  Whether it's stomach bugs or other things that just happen to go wrong, for years I have been loaded past the breaking point when I'm actively trying to follow God.

Satan is just trying to keep you from God.  So why is God letting him when our relationship is already so tenuous.

I just need to "give it up to God."  Why?  In the recent past, that seems to be the times when things get the worst.

Even if I'm thinking these things, I shouldn't publicize them.  That could make people stumble or turn people away from God.  I'm not giving up on God.  If anything, this blog is proof that I would rather struggle through my relationship with Him than give up on Him.  Maybe someone can even relate to the struggle.

Am I anywhere close to renouncing my faith?  Absolutely not.  Am I struggling with it?  Definitely.

Psalm 12

Well, I guess I can't put it off any longer.  I have been trying to figure out Psalm 12 now for a couple weeks and I just can't figure out how it relates to me.  I just can't seem to find the right perspective with which to read it.  You see, the psalm deals with unfaithfulness and disloyalty, deception and boasting.  Things that don't seem to be relevant to my life at the moment.

So, I'm going to resort to a previous strategy and break the psalm down into broad sections:

1. David requests help from God (verses 1-4).
2. David quotes God as saying he will protect the weak and needy.  Then, he asserts that the words of the Lord are "flawless," meaning that if God said it, it must be true (verses 5-6).
3. David's prayer of confidence to God.  He states that God will be true to his word (verses 7-8).

Breaking the psalm down in this way helps me to generalize the meaning.  I may not be able to relate to unfaithfulness and deception, but I can relate to feeling the need to make requests of God.  My requests are just different.  I'm asking for relief, stamina, refuge.  

I really like that David goes straight from his request to quoting God.  And then, straight to saying that God's word is flawless and pure.  I think this is something I need to remind myself of.  A lot of times when I feel like my requests are unheard, my brain automatically quotes a familiar scripture about God's faithfulness and I cringe because, at the time, it doesn't ring true.  Then, I move on to the next thought.  I can't remember the last time I actually reminded myself that I can trust scripture and have fought back against my instinct to bristle at the "churchy" answers.   

That last insight may seem odd to you, or maybe even off-putting.  But, because of my perceived lack of refuge, I am having to fight to trust God.  I know that he has never been untrustworthy, but I have to constantly remind myself of that and even create arguments to prove to myself that God has indeed been faithful.  

Now that I've been honest about that, I'm going to challenge you.  If you have ever felt that way, please leave a comment letting me know if you found successful ways to re-trust in God.  Your support will be appreciated immensely.  If you can't relate to what I'm saying, please ask questions.  I'm serious.  Every single person who has asked me questions about the blog has helped me to reflect and make another tiny step toward complete faith.  So, thanks again to anyone who has pushed me to think more about my journey.  

Let Faith Arise

This post should be about Psalm 12 since my last one was about Psalm 11, but for many reasons I am not ready to move on (one of them being that I have no idea how to relate Psalm 12 to my life right now).  So, for today, I am going to post something that I have been thinking about posting for at least two weeks.

Now, I'm not usually one who gets wrapped up in whatever song is "trendy" or makes a habit of calling songs "mine."  I know plenty of people who do and it suits them, it's just not in my personality.  But, for weeks, there has been a song that I just can't get out of my head, probably because of how much it relates to my faith recently.  So, without further ado, here is a "trendy" (in Christian radio) song that I am starting to think of as "mine," Chris Tomlin's "Let Faith Arise."

If you know me well or have been keeping up with the blog, you will probably immediately recognize some parts of the song that I'm relating to.  There is so much that I could say to explain everything that I think I could ramble on for pages.  So, in the hopes of keeping everything as succinct as possible, I'm going to start from the beginning.

The very first verse says, "Be still, there is a Healer/His love is deeper than the sea/His mercy is unfailing/His arms, a fortress for the weak."  Never in my life have I felt such a need for healing and mercy as I have in the past months.  I have certainly not spent any time being still.  Sure, my life has been hectic without a doubt.  But, in reality, I have felt broken and have distracted myself from the desperation by keeping myself busy, not leaving any time to feel the disconnect from God.  Is this why I haven't felt the healing, love, and mercy I have been so desperate to have?

Then, there is a simple pre-chorus: "Let faith arise."  Let.  Again, has my faith been so weak because I have been stifling it, not letting it arise?

The chorus is what struck me so hard the first time I heard the song.  It starts with, "I lift my hands to believe again."  I have to take action.  If I want to believe God and trust Him again whole-heartedly, I need to act, to lift my hands.  You know, even thinking about that at this very moment is stressful.  I am anxious typing this because the thought of lifting my hands means a vulnerability toward God that I don't feel ready for.  It means I can't protect myself anymore.  To believe again, I have to raise my arms as a statement of faith to God.  I know this isn't necessarily a literal lifting of my arms, but right now my heart is pounding and I feel like I have a 30 pound weight sitting on my arms.

The next line is one that I probably don't need to explain, considering the content of pretty much every other blog post.  It says, "You are my refuge.  You are my strength."

Then, "As I pour out my heart, these things I remember/You are faithful, God, forever."  Well, I think my blog qualifies as pouring out my heart, but when I think about the recent struggles I have been dealing with, I am blind to all the times God has been faithful - to me and to those around me.  But still, the stubborn, hurt, part of me wants to demand, "If You are so faithful, God, why did I feel deserted when ____ happened?"  And my arms still feel weighed down.

Then, it hits me.  How much more faithful can I ask God to be?  As the next verse says, "Be still, there is a river/That flows from Calvary's tree/A fountain for the thirsty/Your grace that washes over me."  Jesus let his blood flow freely for me.  He experienced COMPLETE separation from his own Father.  For me.  A little lighter.

Let faith arise.

Psalm 9 and the Thermometer

Since I started this blog, I have said many times that there are certain things that I have been taught that are considered truths about God.  These truths are things that I have grown up believing, but that had never really been tested in any real way.  While my faith was being tested, I held on to these beliefs, but as much as I've tried, I didn't feel it in any real way.

This might be difficult to understand if you've never felt that way before, so let me try to help.  It's like being outside in the middle of winter, completely bundled up from head to toe, leaving no skin exposed to the elements.  You're holding a thermometer and you know for a fact that it's 10 degrees outside, which, obviously, is frigid.  But, despite the cold outside, you don't feel the effects of the cold at all.  In fact, had you not been holding on to that thermometer, you never would have believed the truth about the temperature.

That's the way it's been with me.  I've felt like I've been "out in the cold" with God.  As part of a defense mechanism, I've added layer upon protective layer to keep out the "cold", whether cold means the distance I've felt between God and I or the situations I've been in.  Fortunately, I've experienced enough with God to be able to believe the truth about his goodness, or, to hold on to the thermometer.  If I had not been able to hold on to past experiences with God, I may not have been able to keep my faith.

This might not seem to relate to Psalm 9 at all, but when I look at the psalm, I see truths about God: things I have held on to as being truth, but that I haven't really had any sort of visceral, meaningful connection to.  This, of course, makes it more difficult to handle some of the situations I've been forced to deal with.  Imagine hanging on to a romantic relationship when your significant other no longer says that you are loved in ways that you can understand and also starts to do things that make life difficult and, at times, miserable for you.  You might eventually start to lose faith that your mate loves you at all.

Here are some of the examples of the "truths" that I am talking about:

• Verse 1 mentions "wonderful deeds."  I am no stranger to the wonderful things God has done for me or people around me, but in these difficult times, it was hard to be able to point out any "wonderful deeds" that were being done in my life.
• Verses 7 and 8 talk about how God rules from his throne with "righteousness" and judges with "equity."  I know this is true, but it goes against what I understand to be "fair."  God may have been ruling righteously and judging with equity, but I didn't understand the standards that he was using.
• Verse 9 says "the Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble."   I have believed this for years, but in the times of my life that can be most described as "troubled," I felt a distinct absence of God, not a refuge or stronghold.  I'll talk more about this in a later post; I don't want anyone thinking that I'm saying anything negative about God because I'm not.
• Verse 10 says that God has "never forsaken those who seek [him]."  That might be true, but I certainly felt forsaken.  
• Verse 18 says that God doesn't "forget the needy" and that the "hope of the afflicted will never perish."  So, why did I feel forgotten and hopeless?

I'm going to leave it at that for tonight, but I want to make sure I reiterate something one more time: I am NOT saying anything negative about God.  Like I said at the beginning of the post, these are things I know to be true about God.  I am just trying to convey what my thought process has been these last few years while I have felt so separated from God most of the time.  Like the thermometer analogy, I am beginning to think it takes a stronger faith to believe it's 10 degrees outside when you can't feel the effects of the weather, just like it takes a stronger faith to believe certain truths about God when you can't feel the visceral effects of those truths.

Psalm 5 - Refuge

There was a time when I knew what it felt like to have refuge in God, but I haven't felt that way in a long time.  If I had to pinpoint one word to say what I feel like I've been missing in my life, it would be refuge.  That word means so much to me that it's hard to even define, so I tried to define it visually.

When I hear the word refuge, I have a temporary physical reaction: a deep breath, a relaxed posture, and my eyes momentarily drift closed.  A refuge is a place of complete unburdening, the ability to let go of everything that is weighing down my heart and my mind.

And then, I feel frustration, anger, and bitterness.  Why is God only letting me have refuge so infrequently, for a few seconds here and there?  Why can I not carry that sense of refuge with me like I used to when dealing with difficult situations?  

An excellent friend pointed out to me a couple days ago that it might be a good idea for me to forget about what things used to be like for me and look toward the future instead.  She is absolutely right.  I think it's healthy for me to want to examine why I am in the place I currently am in, but not for me to use it as more fuel for any anger and bitterness I have towards God.  So yes, I have felt as if God is holding out on me, letting me see glimpses of what I desire so badly, but always keeping complete refuge and unburdening just out of reach.  But now I want to look at my past as a way to understand where I am at present so that I can move on.

It's not that I expect my circumstances to be easy because I have faith in God, because I don't.  But, ever since things started getting difficult between God and I way back in college, I've felt like God is allowing dozens of stressors and horrible circumstances to pound away at my faith and sense of well-being without providing me that sense of refuge - that feeling that I have somewhere I can retreat to in a moment and experience safety and peace in the midst of chaos.

Maybe I haven't looked for it hard enough (more on that in a later post) or in the right places.  Maybe there really haven't been many opportunities for refuge after all.  Maybe my memory is too short and I'm too quickly forgetting the times when I have been able to unburden completely.

Whatever the reason, I realize that my heart has become hardened towards God because I have perceived a lack of refuge so often since my freshman year of college.  After a while, I think I quit looking for God to provide refuge and even stopped asking for it.  (If you want to read more about the process of hardening my heart, read the entry from July 19 called "Psalm 1").

Psalm 3

If you read my last blog entry, you would know that it took me literally two weeks to get to any application of Psalm 3 to my life because I spent that much time looking at the history of David's life.  I've decided not to go into any sort of detail here because my purpose is to keep my focus on the personal rather than the intellectual.  However, if you haven't read the accounts about David found in 1 and 2 Samuel, read it.  Even if you weren't trying to discern any spiritual lessons from those books, you could still read it just for entertainment.  It has all the elements of a current television, movie, or book drama or suspense.

I see three major parts to the Psalm:

1. I have so many enemies.
2. God shields me from those enemies and answers my cries for help.
3. Therefore, I am not afraid because my victory comes from God.

Even though my purpose isn't really to add to my store of biblical knowledge, the context of David's situation is helpful to me in making this psalm more personal.  David really did have so many enemies and when he writes this psalm, he is specifically referring to Absalom, his own son, who had started a revolution against him.  So, not only is David dealing with being physically in danger, fleeing, and fighting, he is also dealing with the betrayal of his own son turning against him.

Still, somehow David is able to say confidently that God is protecting him.  Beyond that, he says that God is his glory and is helping him to hold his head high.  He has 100 percent confidence in God when everything around him that could be construed as a sign is pointing toward being deserted by God.  

When I think in those terms, the parallel to my own life is unmistakeable and a psalm that seemed to be relatively irrelevant comes to life.  But, there is a huge difference between David and I.  There have been many times recently where I have felt desperate and deserted.  From years of biblical upbringing, I can say that I believe in my head that God is watching over me, but in reality my faith has been shaken.  I did not have that supreme confidence in God as David did and I certainly did not feel victorious.  Even now, removed from the situations that caused such acute stress, I feel relief, but not victory.  It's like the pressure has been removed, but I'm still wondering, "What was the point?"

Again, I have more questions than answers.  Why has God let me feel deserted?  Why have I had to deal with all the things that have led me to being so distant from God?  Why can't I be like other people (or like I used to be) and feel close to God through struggle?  How can I get close to God if I have a hard time trusting that He won't desert me?  How can my faith be renewed when I feel let down that all my knowledge of God didn't mesh with my real life experiences?  

And, perhaps most importantly, how can I come out of these last several years feeling victorious?  

Psalm 3 and Procrastination

I've put off writing about Psalm 3 for a few days.  I started Psalm 3 back on February 1, finally finishing on February 14 even though I was reading consistently.  If that seems a little crazy, let me explain.  When I read through Psalm 3 the first time, I realized I didn't know or remember enough about David's life to understand the depth of what he wrote in the Psalm.  Before you even get to the Psalm itself, there's a note saying that David wrote it when he fled from his son Absalom.  I couldn't remember the specifics of how that came about, so I decided to reread 1 Samuel and 2 Samuel to get some background.

I'm not sure how in-depth I want to go into the history that I read about as I write the blog.  I took fairly detailed notes when I read through Samuel the first time, but my whole purpose with the blog isn't to be intellectual, but highly personal and honest, focusing on my relationship with God.

Just based on a quick preliminary look at the outline of 1 Samuel and 2 Samuel that is in my Bible, it's easy to tell that David did not live an easy life.  He was alienated, hunted, pursued, and attacked.  He also committed adultery and murder.  How can a man that went through that much still have the strength and faith to say:

But you, LORD, are a shield around me,
   my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
I call out to the LORD,
   and he answers me from his holy mountain.

I lie down and sleep;
   I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.
I will not fear though tens of thousands
   assail me on every side. (Psalm 3:3-6)

In light of that, how can I possibly be struggling with my faith as much as I am?

Psalm 2

This Psalm was a little bit hard to get into at first.  At first glance, all I saw was largely irrelevant talk about plotting against God and being a wise ruler.  Then, all the sudden, I get to the last line: "Blessed are all who take refuge in him."  I was taken back immediately by seeing the word refuge following the rest of the Psalm that didn't seem to apply to me at all.  After all, the reason I started reading the Psalms is because I felt like I was lacking refuge.

The more I think about why that line is at the end of this Psalm, the more uncomfortable I feel.  As I've mentioned in the previous posts, I have felt distant and sometimes ignored by God off and on for the past several years.  So, when I see something referring to God as a place of refuge, I wonder why that hasn't been true for me?  Maybe it would help to walk through my thinking when I read the second-to-last line with the last.  That line says, "For his wrath can flare up in a moment."  It doesn't seem to mesh with the next verse about God being a refuge.  Combine that with the growing feeling of disconnect between myself and God and I end up being more than a little uncomfortable.

When I read the whole Psalm, there are certain words that stick out, some of them deal with people who "plot" against God and some of them deal with those who are sons of God.  Here are some that deal with people who plot against God and some of the things that immediately came to mind:

• conspire
• plot
• vain - All my efforts to renew my relationship with God have seemed to be in vain.
• chains - I feel like I'm chained, like I'm being weighed down by something I can't quite put my finger on.
• fetters
• scoff
• rebuke - Could God be rebuking me for some reason?  Is that why there is this distant?
• anger - I don't mind admitting that I have been angry with God.  It took me a long time to be able to admit it even to myself, though, so admitting it to anyone who reads this is a bit of a stretch.
• terrifies
• wrath
• destroyed - I feel like my confidence in my faith is being destroyed, maybe not by an active force, but possibly by passivity.

Then, I read the Psalm again and notice all the words that are about the sons of God, the ones who find refuge in God:

• ask - I have grown tired by the lack of the response, so I have stopped asking.
• inheritance
• rule
• wise - I feel anything but wise.
• warned
• serve with fear
• rejoice with trembling - I don't do much rejoicing about my faith.
• blessed
• refuge - Again, I definitely feel as if I have been lacking refuge during some of the biggest struggles I've ever dealt with.

When I look at these words and their connotations, I feel more connected to the first list than the second one.  Those words seem more in line with what I've been feeling about my faith. I'm still not sure what this says about me or about God.  Like I've mentioned before, there are more questions than answers.  And the more I process everything, the more I don't understand.