The (Brutally) Honest Truth

Just a caution, if you can't handle someone being brutally honest with where they stand with God, pretend you never saw this post.  The whole point of this blog has been to honestly share what God is doing in my life, through my struggles and triumphs.  This is one of the struggles and I'm not exactly sugar-coating it.

I cannot catch a break.  I know I've said this before to some friends and I might have even said it in a post.  I feel like every time I am doing what God led me to do in the first place, he starts loading me with more and more until I can't handle it anymore.  I have surpassed my breaking point.  A couple days ago, I was approaching it and now it feels like that invisible threshold is miles behind where I am now.  I am so angry I can barely make it from one minute to the next without showing it in some way, whether through body language, the way I talk to the people I love, or just flat-out crying for no observable reason.  I am falling apart at the seams.  

Here's what I know some of you are probably thinking right now, "God will take care of you if you let him."  The reason I know that's the Christian thought-process is because I have been coached to automatically think like that for as long as I can remember.  This type of automatic thinking just isn't cutting it.  I'm still not denying God or walking away from Him, but I have reached the point where I can't even think about Him without being angry.  I need to be able to move past the automaticity to something that is more meaningful, but I just can't get there.

What happened to put me over the edge?  One of my children picked up a stomach bug, something that I do not handle very well, especially when it happens in the middle of all the other stressors I am dealing with.  I was driving home from work and I remember just begging God to just let it be just the one child.  After all, with four kids in the house, this could easily turn into a weeks-long marathon of no sleep and cleaning up messes.  Add to that a diabetic husband, and my worry level goes through the roof.  Scott could easily end up hospitalized from something as simple as a stomach virus.  So, as I almost never do, I asked God to just take this one thing away from us.  Let us handle fevers, colds, coughs, just not a stomach virus.  I felt a release.  I felt a peace.  Two things I don't generally feel when I pray recently.  Usually I feel, well, nothing.  So, I trusted that God really would let this end with the one child.

No more than 24 hours later, another child develops the same stomach bug and my fragile trust was broken.

I can already think of dozens of arguments against my current thinking.  You might be thinking them, too.

It's just life; it's not like God is making the stomach bug go around.  But, the all-powerful God, whom I have been worshiping since I was a kid could have cut me a break on this particular round of stress because I asked.  He just didn't.

I'm just overreacting because of my current, temporary circumstances.  It goes deeper than that.  Whether it's stomach bugs or other things that just happen to go wrong, for years I have been loaded past the breaking point when I'm actively trying to follow God.

Satan is just trying to keep you from God.  So why is God letting him when our relationship is already so tenuous.

I just need to "give it up to God."  Why?  In the recent past, that seems to be the times when things get the worst.

Even if I'm thinking these things, I shouldn't publicize them.  That could make people stumble or turn people away from God.  I'm not giving up on God.  If anything, this blog is proof that I would rather struggle through my relationship with Him than give up on Him.  Maybe someone can even relate to the struggle.

Am I anywhere close to renouncing my faith?  Absolutely not.  Am I struggling with it?  Definitely.

Psalm 7 - Separating My Praise from My Struggle

I know I've done this with nearly every entry, but I am once again going to divide this psalm into sections because that seems to be an easy way for me to make it more personal.

• David asks for refuge (verses 1-2)
• David claims he is innocent (verses 3-5)
• David appeals to God for justice and vindication (verses 6-9)
• David proclaims confidence that God will reply (verses 10-13)
• David asserts that the evil with suffer (verses 14-16)
• David praises God (verse 17)

REFUGE

I mentioned before that I started reading through the Psalms in January, quit, and then began again with the blog to hold me accountable.  Ever since I first read Psalm 5 on February 17, I have clung to the word "refuge" and David uses the word once again in Psalm 7:1.  I'm not going to focus on it right now, but have an insight to share when I post about Psalm 11.  That insight is something that started a major shift in my thinking, but I digress.

INNOCENCE

David points out that he did nothing that could make himself guilty, and that if he had done evil, he would feel as if he deserved what was happening in his life.  

I understand this feeling.  In many ways, I feel like I did nothing to deserve some of the burdens I've faced in the past and recently - the burdens that have ultimately pushed me farther from God than I ever have been in my life.  In fact, the struggles recently have seemed to be because I followed God's direction.  If I hadn't done what I felt God was calling me to do in becoming a foster parent, I never would have dealt with many of my recent struggles.  Please don't take this to mean that I regret any of the placements we have accepted so far, just that they come with an understandable amount of added stress.  That stress is compounded because I have felt like God has abandoned me at the most difficult moments.

JUSTICE
David once again makes demands of God, telling God to rise up against the wicked and bring an end to their evil.  He demands that God also make the righteous secure.

I have trouble sometimes seeing God as a "just" God based on my own experiences and things I've witnessed.  So, when I struggle so much because I follow God, I don't understand why it seems like God's wrath is focused on me instead of the evil around me.  From my perspective, it's not fair, and as a human, I equate fairness with justice.  I have so many questions for God on this topic, but I don't think now is the time for me to dive into searching for answers on that particular topic.  We'll see what the rest of the Psalms bring for me in that area.

CONFIDENCE
David knows that God is his shield and will save him.  He also knows that he will defend him from evil and let loose his wrath on the wicked.

I know these things also, but only on an intellectual level.  I know God will protect me and will bring wrath against wickedness, but it's all in my head.  Where did David's confidence come from?  Was it just something he believed intellectually, but didn't really feel in the moment?  Is intellectual belief enough to be called faith?

When you read this, I know a lot of you are experiencing the urge to answer those questions or say something to defend God in this area.  Trust me, I think all those things too, even as I'm honestly writing what is in my heart.  I know the textbook "churchy" answers, but, as mentioned before, this is my chance to be sincere about what I'm dealing with, and I have faith that God can handle my questioning and even appreciates that I'm seeking.  So, please, if you want to give me something else to ponder, that would be awesome.  Just don't expect neatly packaged answers to be earth-shattering to me at the moment.

ASSERTION
David uses common sense and modern wisdom to reinforce his earlier confidence.  It's almost like he is giving himself a little pep-talk so that he can keep his earlier confidence.

This leads me to believe that maybe David's confidence in the earlier section really was intellectually based. Otherwise, why would he need this section of verses to bolster his earlier claims?  So, maybe my problem has been that when my trust and confidence in God is merely intellectual, I automatically assume that means my faith is weak and sometimes give up.  Perhaps there is significance to a faith that is based on clinging to truths you know about God even when you can't feel them.

PRAISE
David ends by saying he will give thanks and praise God because of God's righteousness.  It's almost like he's convincing himself that he will still thank and praise God, even though things are falling apart.  He also says he will do this because of God's righteousness.   

It's interesting that he picks this one attribute of God to focus on.  It's almost like it was one thing he was able to agree with intellectually, so he focused his praise on that.  It wouldn't make sense to praise God for refuge at this time, so he doesn't.  Instead, he asks for refuge and deliverance, but praises God for righteousness.  That way, his praise and thanksgiving remain honest and sincere.  He's not having to lie to himself or to God.

This gives me hope as I have been finding it hard to praise God without feeling insincere.  I beat myself up at church for singing words that don't seem to honestly reflect the state of my heart, just because that's what I'm supposed to do on Sunday.  Looking at Psalm 7 leads me to the conclusion that it's okay to separate your requests from your praise.  I can ask for what I need, be honest about my struggle, and still praise God for what I know to be true.  Sincerity doesn't demand that I can't praise God unless my faith is perfectly unshaken or radiating freely from my heart; it just means that I might be praising him for the beauty of his creation while I am begging for refuge that doesn't seem forthcoming.

Psalm 3

If you read my last blog entry, you would know that it took me literally two weeks to get to any application of Psalm 3 to my life because I spent that much time looking at the history of David's life.  I've decided not to go into any sort of detail here because my purpose is to keep my focus on the personal rather than the intellectual.  However, if you haven't read the accounts about David found in 1 and 2 Samuel, read it.  Even if you weren't trying to discern any spiritual lessons from those books, you could still read it just for entertainment.  It has all the elements of a current television, movie, or book drama or suspense.

I see three major parts to the Psalm:

1. I have so many enemies.
2. God shields me from those enemies and answers my cries for help.
3. Therefore, I am not afraid because my victory comes from God.

Even though my purpose isn't really to add to my store of biblical knowledge, the context of David's situation is helpful to me in making this psalm more personal.  David really did have so many enemies and when he writes this psalm, he is specifically referring to Absalom, his own son, who had started a revolution against him.  So, not only is David dealing with being physically in danger, fleeing, and fighting, he is also dealing with the betrayal of his own son turning against him.

Still, somehow David is able to say confidently that God is protecting him.  Beyond that, he says that God is his glory and is helping him to hold his head high.  He has 100 percent confidence in God when everything around him that could be construed as a sign is pointing toward being deserted by God.  

When I think in those terms, the parallel to my own life is unmistakeable and a psalm that seemed to be relatively irrelevant comes to life.  But, there is a huge difference between David and I.  There have been many times recently where I have felt desperate and deserted.  From years of biblical upbringing, I can say that I believe in my head that God is watching over me, but in reality my faith has been shaken.  I did not have that supreme confidence in God as David did and I certainly did not feel victorious.  Even now, removed from the situations that caused such acute stress, I feel relief, but not victory.  It's like the pressure has been removed, but I'm still wondering, "What was the point?"

Again, I have more questions than answers.  Why has God let me feel deserted?  Why have I had to deal with all the things that have led me to being so distant from God?  Why can't I be like other people (or like I used to be) and feel close to God through struggle?  How can I get close to God if I have a hard time trusting that He won't desert me?  How can my faith be renewed when I feel let down that all my knowledge of God didn't mesh with my real life experiences?  

And, perhaps most importantly, how can I come out of these last several years feeling victorious?  

Psalm 2

This Psalm was a little bit hard to get into at first.  At first glance, all I saw was largely irrelevant talk about plotting against God and being a wise ruler.  Then, all the sudden, I get to the last line: "Blessed are all who take refuge in him."  I was taken back immediately by seeing the word refuge following the rest of the Psalm that didn't seem to apply to me at all.  After all, the reason I started reading the Psalms is because I felt like I was lacking refuge.

The more I think about why that line is at the end of this Psalm, the more uncomfortable I feel.  As I've mentioned in the previous posts, I have felt distant and sometimes ignored by God off and on for the past several years.  So, when I see something referring to God as a place of refuge, I wonder why that hasn't been true for me?  Maybe it would help to walk through my thinking when I read the second-to-last line with the last.  That line says, "For his wrath can flare up in a moment."  It doesn't seem to mesh with the next verse about God being a refuge.  Combine that with the growing feeling of disconnect between myself and God and I end up being more than a little uncomfortable.

When I read the whole Psalm, there are certain words that stick out, some of them deal with people who "plot" against God and some of them deal with those who are sons of God.  Here are some that deal with people who plot against God and some of the things that immediately came to mind:

• conspire
• plot
• vain - All my efforts to renew my relationship with God have seemed to be in vain.
• chains - I feel like I'm chained, like I'm being weighed down by something I can't quite put my finger on.
• fetters
• scoff
• rebuke - Could God be rebuking me for some reason?  Is that why there is this distant?
• anger - I don't mind admitting that I have been angry with God.  It took me a long time to be able to admit it even to myself, though, so admitting it to anyone who reads this is a bit of a stretch.
• terrifies
• wrath
• destroyed - I feel like my confidence in my faith is being destroyed, maybe not by an active force, but possibly by passivity.

Then, I read the Psalm again and notice all the words that are about the sons of God, the ones who find refuge in God:

• ask - I have grown tired by the lack of the response, so I have stopped asking.
• inheritance
• rule
• wise - I feel anything but wise.
• warned
• serve with fear
• rejoice with trembling - I don't do much rejoicing about my faith.
• blessed
• refuge - Again, I definitely feel as if I have been lacking refuge during some of the biggest struggles I've ever dealt with.

When I look at these words and their connotations, I feel more connected to the first list than the second one.  Those words seem more in line with what I've been feeling about my faith. I'm still not sure what this says about me or about God.  Like I've mentioned before, there are more questions than answers.  And the more I process everything, the more I don't understand.

Psalm 1 (and then some)

According to Psalm 1:6a, "The LORD watches over the way of the righteous."  I've been immersed in Christian culture long enough to know the truth of that statement, at least in my head.  In the past, I would have turned to a verse like that when I was struggling and been comforted.  Now, reading that verse leaves me  vaguely disturbed.  It's hard to explain how I can simultaneously know the truth of God's protection and also feel uncomfortable when reading a verse about it, but it basically comes down to a general overriding feeling that while God may be watching over me, he is certainly not interceding for me in any way.  Again, I'm not trying to offend or renounce my faith, so don't worry about me too much.

Here are the options that come to mind when I think about verse 6:

1. I am not, in fact, righteous enough to be watched over.  Therefore, I need to repent to be made righteous in God's eyes.  This makes sense as I know I am a sinner, but makes me feel like there are some magic words that need to be said to make everything better with God.  And that doesn't mesh with everything I have ever known to be true about Him.
2. I am actually being watched over, but I fail to recognize God's presence.  I need to be more aware of how He is working in my life.  But, how do I go about being more aware of Him.
3. The promise is untrue.  I'm not saying this is what I believe, but logically, it's an option for why I feel like I'm not being watched over.
4. When God says He will watch over us, He doesn't mean that He will actually step in, just that He is aware of what is going on.  So maybe, for some reason, God is fully aware of my struggle and not providing peace and comfort while I'm dealing with the difficulties.  This, to me, is the most devastating possible conclusion of the four.  How could a God I know to be loving see how much I'm struggling, hear me desperately call to Him, and not respond to me?

I think there might be some truth in some of these options.  I am a sinner who constantly needs to repent, something that I don't do nearly as much as I need to.  I am probably turning a blind eye to the way God is actually working in my life, partly because I'm angry and partly because I'm out of practice.  I don't think God should remove me from the struggle or fix the situation, but I also don't think there's anything biblically unsound about expecting peace or comfort.  

So I guess I'm no closer to understanding what it really means that God is watching over me.  I was brought up to believe verses like Psalm 1:6 and also Nahum 1:7, which says, "The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble.  He cares for those who trust him."  I have felt this sense of refuge before, but now, because God has felt so distant through so many troubled times, me heart can't honestly admit to trusting that God is my refuge. Sadly, this has meant that I don't have any reliable source of refuge at all through what has been the most emotionally difficult times of my life.

I am going into this "study" with more questions than answers.  In fact, the more I think about my questions, the more I come up with.  But, life is not always packaged neatly.  Sometimes questions take time to be answered and sometimes there are no answers to be had, and I'm learning that the process of seeking answers can be more trying than I ever imagined.

So, I guess my goal in all this is not really to look for simple answers. I'm seeking to be honest with myself and my God as I question and eventually, to find the peace and refuge that has been alluding me for so long.

Psalm 1

To start, I'm going to go back through all the Psalms again, starting with Psalm 1.  Some of the things I mention will be things that stuck out to me the first time I read through it, way back in January.  To give some perspective, in January we had four kids, two were ours and two were foster children so close in age to our own they might as well have been two sets of twins.  Needless to say, during this time I was not looking at anything through a lens of peace, but through one of chaos and struggle a lot of times.


I looked at Psalm 1 with two translations, NIV and The Message, the NIV because it's what I'm used to and The Message because it's different.  One thing stands out in the NIV that doesn't in The Message and that is the first two verses.  Psalm 1:1 says,  


¹ Blessed is the one 
   who does not walk in step with the wicked 
or stand in the way that sinners take 
   or sit in the company of mockers...

To me, this verse represents a progression.  First comes walking in step with the wicked.  When walking, it's easy to alter your course to avoid sin, but it's also easy to keep your momentum going and not even notice that you're following sin.  If you take the analogy one step further, you get standing in sin.  This is a choice: recognizing that you are in sin and choosing to stay there.  One step more and you are sitting in sin: a decision not only to stay in sin, but also to make yourself comfortable in in.  

My purpose in reading the Psalms, though, is not simply to understand things intellectually and come away with more knowledge to store away.  I'm at a point in my faith where intellectual knowledge alone is not enough.  So, when I read that verse more carefully, I see myself in it.  It's hard at first to classify myself as "wicked," but I see the truth in it when I consider the progression of the past five or so years of my life. 

First, I started wandering from God, a little bit here and there, but always coming back to Him.  This isn't the type of wandering you may be thinking.  On the outside, my life didn't change.  Anyone looking at me from a worldly perspective wouldn't have seen me doing anything wrong.  But, because of the circumstances of my life, I began closing my heart off to God, one little piece at a time.  Over time, when I would turn back to Him, I would keep more and more of those closed-off sections to myself.  

Eventually, my wanderings became longer.  It would be months before I would actually turn my heart back toward God again and when I did, I was holding back.  It's not so much that I made a choice to stand away from God, but I did make choices to not turn back to Him.  There were many specific times when I felt God tugging at my heart a little, but instead of turning back, I would choose to stand my ground, keeping myself separated from Him.  There are too many reasons for why I did this to go into detail, but at the core of all my reasons was that I was wounded and blamed God for much of it.  

After a while, I became comfortable with my life the way it was and noticed God even less than before.  I still don't know if it's because I wasn't ready to hear or if God really was leaving me to my own devices, but suffice it to say that God felt more distant than He ever had - at a time when I needed Him the most.  

Looking back, I can see that I caused the great chasm between myself and my Lord, but I still experience anger and bitterness.  I made a series of decisions that put an increasing amount of space between myself and God.  Of course, the space crescendoed to a point where, when I finally felt the need to call out to God because of my circumstances, all I felt was a resounding, deafening silence.  After all my time avoiding God, it felt like he was intentionally avoiding me.

To be perfectly honest, I still feel that way about God much of the time.  I grew up in church, so I know all the verses about how God won't abandon us and how He won't give us more than we can handle.  While intellectually I know the truth in those verses, right now, sometimes hearing those verses almost make me want to physically cringe.  I'm not trying to offend anyone and I definitely am not headed down the path to renouncing my faith.  Quite the opposite, I think I'm finally starting the journey towards real faith rather than a superficially easy faith: a transition from the theoretical the the deeply meaningful.  And I don't think God intends that transition to be easy.