The more I think about why that line is at the end of this Psalm, the more uncomfortable I feel. As I've mentioned in the previous posts, I have felt distant and sometimes ignored by God off and on for the past several years. So, when I see something referring to God as a place of refuge, I wonder why that hasn't been true for me? Maybe it would help to walk through my thinking when I read the second-to-last line with the last. That line says, "For his wrath can flare up in a moment." It doesn't seem to mesh with the next verse about God being a refuge. Combine that with the growing feeling of disconnect between myself and God and I end up being more than a little uncomfortable.
When I read the whole Psalm, there are certain words that stick out, some of them deal with people who "plot" against God and some of them deal with those who are sons of God. Here are some that deal with people who plot against God and some of the things that immediately came to mind:
- vain - All my efforts to renew my relationship with God have seemed to be in vain.
- chains - I feel like I'm chained, like I'm being weighed down by something I can't quite put my finger on.
- rebuke - Could God be rebuking me for some reason? Is that why there is this distant?
- anger - I don't mind admitting that I have been angry with God. It took me a long time to be able to admit it even to myself, though, so admitting it to anyone who reads this is a bit of a stretch.
- destroyed - I feel like my confidence in my faith is being destroyed, maybe not by an active force, but possibly by passivity.
Then, I read the Psalm again and notice all the words that are about the sons of God, the ones who find refuge in God:
- ask - I have grown tired by the lack of the response, so I have stopped asking.
- wise - I feel anything but wise.
- serve with fear
- rejoice with trembling - I don't do much rejoicing about my faith.
- refuge - Again, I definitely feel as if I have been lacking refuge during some of the biggest struggles I've ever dealt with.
When I look at these words and their connotations, I feel more connected to the first list than the second one. Those words seem more in line with what I've been feeling about my faith. I'm still not sure what this says about me or about God. Like I've mentioned before, there are more questions than answers. And the more I process everything, the more I don't understand.