Psalm 16 - More About Refuge

If you've kept up with this blog, you will recognize this recurring theme of refuge.  My inability to experience refuge is what prompted the blog in the first place and I've mentioned repeatedly how the whole blog seems to be a journey focused on finding that safe refuge I used to so easily fall into.

To be honest, even with some of the new understandings about refuge that have settled into my heart, I still get uneasy when I come across another psalm focused on the topic.  It's like when you are already feeling self-conscious about the only clean outfit you could find that morning and then you get to work and someone mentions that there is a stain on the front of the shirt.  It makes you cringe and want to pick a fight all at the same time.  That might not be the best analogy, but I'm struggling to define exactly why it is so hard to read a psalm that deals with the purpose of the blog - refuge.

I guess the main reason reading about refuge is uncomfortable to me is because it is so obviously lacking from my life.  I try hard to have faith, but it's not always easy when things are tough and I can't seem to grasp onto the refuge I used to so easily take hold of.  I read about how refuge means a safe place and get frustrated because I can't seem to find that safe place.  Then, I wonder why I can't find refuge.  What am I doing wrong?  Why is God ignoring me?  Is he ignoring me?  When will things finally change?  The list continues and I have no answers.  At all.

So, Psalm 16 is no different than the previous refuge-focused psalms to me.  It's tough.  I see what refuge should look like and I long for it and I become frustrated because I can't reach it.  Then, I beat myself up.  If only I did this or this, God might let me have the refuge I desire.  Maybe if I wasn't so _____ or _____, I could feel close to God again.  Then I wonder, how much of this thinking is God trying to point me back toward him and how much of it is Satan trying to pull me away.

If you know me well, you know that I'm a very analytical person.  I spend a lot of time thinking and making decisions.  My brain and my heart do not handle unanswered questions very well.  I am used to understanding things and understanding them easily.  The current state of my relationship with God, however, seems incomprehensible.  How did I get here and how do I get out?  I think Psalm 16 helps illuminate some of those answers, even if the answers aren't exactly what I'm looking for.

Verse 4 says, "those who run after other gods will suffer more and more."  I could go on for a while about this idea of other gods, or idols, but I'll keep this brief.  While I don't chase down other deities, I do let my focus stray from the true God.  I don't worship things other than God, but I do let other things block the focus that should be directed toward Him.

I want to be able to say that God is "my portion and my cup," like David says in verse 5.  I know that once I am able to say that with honesty, I will be able to stop focusing on the circumstances in my life that seem so difficult at times.  Just like in verse 6, I want to praise the Lord and the instruction of God in my heart always.  I want to keep my eyes on the Lord and remain firm, unshaken, like in verse 7.

Psalm 13 - Far More Questions than Answers

Time to "break it down" again.

Verses 1-2
How long...

• Will God forget me?
• Will he hide his face from me?
• Must I wrestle with my thoughts?
• Must I have sorrow in my heart?
• Will my enemy triumph?

Verse 3a

A demand for God to answer

Verses 3b-4

Why God needs to answer

Verses 5-6

Statement of trust and praise


This psalm really does summarize my feelings.  I'm no longer angry at God (except every now and then), but I definitely understand questioning him.  I still feel like he is far off.  Really, I could echo most of the first two verses, claiming them as my own.  Then even put into words things I've had trouble explaining adequately.

For example, "Will [God] forget me forever?"  Are things ever going to get better, meaning am I ever going to get to the point where I no longer feel abandoned or distant?  "How long will [He] hide his face from me?"  And, why does it feel as if God is hiding his face from me?  Finally, "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts?"  Really, how long do I need to wrestle through the Psalms before God feels near to me again?  I really do feel like wrestling is the most apt description as I am battling for each and every minuscule amount of progress.

I wonder if David's demands for an answer were, in fact, answered.  He tells God to look on him and answer him, two very bold commands.  It encourages me to know that I can be equally as bold in asking God to answer me.  But, I also wonder, have I not been bold enough yet?  Or, have I been too bold?  Or, maybe it's just going to be awhile.  Did David get answered quickly?

David also had reasons to back up his demands.  What reasons do I have?  It's not killing me, as David alludes to in his own psalm.  I don't think the distance I'm feeling is making any enemies triumph over me.  What reasons could I possibly claim?

Finally, as I've noted repeatedly, David ends the psalm with praise and a promise of trust, even though no answer had been given.  It seems odd to me that he chooses to say he trusts in God because of his unfailing love, though.  After all, he was just complaining that God had basically turned away from him.  How could that possibly make him trust in God's unfailing love?  Could he perhaps have been only restating a long-ago accepted truth about God to reassure himself that God was, in fact, trustworthy?

Then, to end it all, David says he will sing praises because God has been good to him.  Again, it doesn't mesh with the previous verses.  Is David intentionally reminding himself of his blessings?

This, to me, is very frustrating.  I know I went into reading the psalms ready and willing to ask the tough questions and I said that I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up with even more questions.  However, I did not fully estimate the frustration that could come from 1) ending up with more questions than answers, and 2) not feeling any closer to God - at all.  I'm committed to keep working at it, but it's quite possibly even harder than I expected.  

Psalm 11 - An Epiphany about Refuge, Finally

This is the last Psalm that I read when I started reading through them back in February and I have been excited about sharing it since I started the blog.  It was an "aha" moment and I hope it brings you some insight, too.

Psalm 11 starts with the line, "in the Lord I take refuge."  If you've read any other post, you have probably heard me talk about refuge as being elusive: something I expect from God, but never really find.  It has been a source of great frustration to me to feel like I was missing something that I so desperately wanted (for more on this, see my post about Psalm 5).  So, when the word refuge came up yet again, I decided to do something of a word study to see all the times it is mentioned in the Psalms.

It's a lengthy list, so I'm only going to include the parts of the verses that relate to my "epiphany," even though that might leave out some of the context of each verse.  After all, I'll get to these Psalms later.

• Psalm 2:12 - "Blessed are all who take refuge in him."
• Psalm 5:11 - "But let all who take refuge in you be glad..."
• Psalm 7:1 - "LORD my God, I take refuge in you..."
• Psalm 9:9 - "The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble." 
• Psalm 11:1 - "In the LORD I take refuge."
• Psalm 16:1 - "Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge."
• Psalm 17:7 - "Show me the wonders of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes."
• Psalm 18:2 - "My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge..." 
• Psalm 31:2 - "Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me." 
• Psalm 34:8 - "Blessed is the one who takes refuge in him." 
• Psalm 36:7 - "People take refuge in the shadow of your wings." 
• Psalm 46:1 - "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." 
• Psalm 62:8 - "...for God is our refuge."
• Psalm 71:1 - "In you, LORD, I have taken refuge..."
• Psalm 91:2 - "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
• Psalm 144:2 - "...my shield, in whom I take refuge..." 

According to my concordance, I found 16 places where the word "refuge" is used in the Psalms.  Of those 16 times, the word refuge is used in the context of "taking refuge" 10 times.  An additional time, refuge is in the context of "finding refuge."  

So, perhaps all this time, the thing that has been missing hasn't been God's provision of refuge, but my own action of seeking it out and grabbing on to it.  Have I not been taking advantage of the refuge he's already providing?  It gives a whole new perspective to my anger at God, realizing that maybe his promises of refuge weren't empty after all.  Maybe my anger and desperation has blinded me to all the ways he was trying to give me a refuge.  God is safety, deliverance, peace - all those things I associate with refuge.  But somewhere between college and now, I have somehow stopped actually taking refuge in God.  

I don't know if anyone can fully understand the relief this brings unless they have ever been torn between trusting in God's character and feeling like he's breaking with that character.  It's humbling to think that all this time my pride might have been the thing making me feel like God was standoffish.  That isn't to say that my feelings of anger and bitterness are completely resolved, because they are not, but it at least gives me something to think about.

Psalm 10

If you've been wondering if I've been slacking, I have been.  I went back to work this week and I have not mastered fitting this devotion time into a work day.  I need to find a way to take some time away without feeling like I'm missing precious time with my family.  Ideas?

Anyways, on to Psalm 10.  The very first verse grabbed my attention.  It says, "Why, Lord, do you stand far off?  Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"  This is exactly what I have been trying to put into words for the past several months.  In some of the previous posts, I have mentioned feeling "abandoned" or "deserted" by God, always being clear that I knew all along that God would never desert me.  However, describing God as being standoffish seems to be a pretty good description without going against any truths I know about God.  So, why did it feel like he was hiding himself from me in the times I was most troubled?  I wish I had an answer, but I don't - and the rest of Psalm 10 doesn't seem to help.

I have a hard time finding a way to relate to the rest of the psalm if I'm being honest.  Verses 2 through 11 talk about what the wicked do and who they are.  Verses 12 through 15 tell God to hold the wicked accountable.  Then, verses 16 through 18 show conviction that God will indeed defend the helpless.  I know there is wicked in the world everywhere, but I also don't think "wickedness" is what has made me feel like God is standing "far off."  I feel like I've been battling difficult circumstances, not wicked people.  It just doesn't seem to speak to where I am.

It's disappointing to get to Psalm 10 and not really feel a connection to it, especially since Psalms 1 through 9 have seemed so relevant to what I've been going through.  I don't know if I'm just not looking hard enough or if there really is not much to connect with, but it's still discouraging.  

The whole reason I started reading the Psalms was to feel like God wasn't actually so "far off" and, in Psalm 10, I find a verse that completely summarizes how I have been feeling.  But, just like nearly every effort I have made in the past few years, being able to verbalize the issue has gotten me no closer to any sort of answer.  I still feel like God is hiding from me and I don't know why.  And the Psalmist doesn't give an answer, either.

Psalm 5 - Refuge

There was a time when I knew what it felt like to have refuge in God, but I haven't felt that way in a long time.  If I had to pinpoint one word to say what I feel like I've been missing in my life, it would be refuge.  That word means so much to me that it's hard to even define, so I tried to define it visually.

When I hear the word refuge, I have a temporary physical reaction: a deep breath, a relaxed posture, and my eyes momentarily drift closed.  A refuge is a place of complete unburdening, the ability to let go of everything that is weighing down my heart and my mind.

And then, I feel frustration, anger, and bitterness.  Why is God only letting me have refuge so infrequently, for a few seconds here and there?  Why can I not carry that sense of refuge with me like I used to when dealing with difficult situations?  

An excellent friend pointed out to me a couple days ago that it might be a good idea for me to forget about what things used to be like for me and look toward the future instead.  She is absolutely right.  I think it's healthy for me to want to examine why I am in the place I currently am in, but not for me to use it as more fuel for any anger and bitterness I have towards God.  So yes, I have felt as if God is holding out on me, letting me see glimpses of what I desire so badly, but always keeping complete refuge and unburdening just out of reach.  But now I want to look at my past as a way to understand where I am at present so that I can move on.

It's not that I expect my circumstances to be easy because I have faith in God, because I don't.  But, ever since things started getting difficult between God and I way back in college, I've felt like God is allowing dozens of stressors and horrible circumstances to pound away at my faith and sense of well-being without providing me that sense of refuge - that feeling that I have somewhere I can retreat to in a moment and experience safety and peace in the midst of chaos.

Maybe I haven't looked for it hard enough (more on that in a later post) or in the right places.  Maybe there really haven't been many opportunities for refuge after all.  Maybe my memory is too short and I'm too quickly forgetting the times when I have been able to unburden completely.

Whatever the reason, I realize that my heart has become hardened towards God because I have perceived a lack of refuge so often since my freshman year of college.  After a while, I think I quit looking for God to provide refuge and even stopped asking for it.  (If you want to read more about the process of hardening my heart, read the entry from July 19 called "Psalm 1").