The (Brutally) Honest Truth

Just a caution, if you can't handle someone being brutally honest with where they stand with God, pretend you never saw this post.  The whole point of this blog has been to honestly share what God is doing in my life, through my struggles and triumphs.  This is one of the struggles and I'm not exactly sugar-coating it.

I cannot catch a break.  I know I've said this before to some friends and I might have even said it in a post.  I feel like every time I am doing what God led me to do in the first place, he starts loading me with more and more until I can't handle it anymore.  I have surpassed my breaking point.  A couple days ago, I was approaching it and now it feels like that invisible threshold is miles behind where I am now.  I am so angry I can barely make it from one minute to the next without showing it in some way, whether through body language, the way I talk to the people I love, or just flat-out crying for no observable reason.  I am falling apart at the seams.  

Here's what I know some of you are probably thinking right now, "God will take care of you if you let him."  The reason I know that's the Christian thought-process is because I have been coached to automatically think like that for as long as I can remember.  This type of automatic thinking just isn't cutting it.  I'm still not denying God or walking away from Him, but I have reached the point where I can't even think about Him without being angry.  I need to be able to move past the automaticity to something that is more meaningful, but I just can't get there.

What happened to put me over the edge?  One of my children picked up a stomach bug, something that I do not handle very well, especially when it happens in the middle of all the other stressors I am dealing with.  I was driving home from work and I remember just begging God to just let it be just the one child.  After all, with four kids in the house, this could easily turn into a weeks-long marathon of no sleep and cleaning up messes.  Add to that a diabetic husband, and my worry level goes through the roof.  Scott could easily end up hospitalized from something as simple as a stomach virus.  So, as I almost never do, I asked God to just take this one thing away from us.  Let us handle fevers, colds, coughs, just not a stomach virus.  I felt a release.  I felt a peace.  Two things I don't generally feel when I pray recently.  Usually I feel, well, nothing.  So, I trusted that God really would let this end with the one child.

No more than 24 hours later, another child develops the same stomach bug and my fragile trust was broken.

I can already think of dozens of arguments against my current thinking.  You might be thinking them, too.

It's just life; it's not like God is making the stomach bug go around.  But, the all-powerful God, whom I have been worshiping since I was a kid could have cut me a break on this particular round of stress because I asked.  He just didn't.

I'm just overreacting because of my current, temporary circumstances.  It goes deeper than that.  Whether it's stomach bugs or other things that just happen to go wrong, for years I have been loaded past the breaking point when I'm actively trying to follow God.

Satan is just trying to keep you from God.  So why is God letting him when our relationship is already so tenuous.

I just need to "give it up to God."  Why?  In the recent past, that seems to be the times when things get the worst.

Even if I'm thinking these things, I shouldn't publicize them.  That could make people stumble or turn people away from God.  I'm not giving up on God.  If anything, this blog is proof that I would rather struggle through my relationship with Him than give up on Him.  Maybe someone can even relate to the struggle.

Am I anywhere close to renouncing my faith?  Absolutely not.  Am I struggling with it?  Definitely.

Psalm 16 - Therefore

There's something I left out of my last post about Psalm 16 because I felt like it was a significant enough thought to stand alone and not be buried among other musings.  It's a relatively simple idea based on the word, "therefore."

Therefore is a transition word that not only signifies a switch from one thought to another, but also shows causation.  The following thought is caused by the previous thought.  "I forgot to study.  Therefore I failed the test."  "I forgot to put away the leftovers.  Therefore my dog thought it was acceptable to climb on the table and eat them."  Or, you could read those backwards.  "I failed the test because I forgot to study."  "My dog climbed on the table because I forgot to put away the leftovers."

So, when I get to verse 9, I think the same way.  "My heart is glad and my tongue rejoices" because of whatever is mentioned previously.  So, what is mentioned in the preceding verses?

• Verse 1 - "I take refuge."  I act.  I have an entire post that talks about this idea of taking refuge.  
• Verse 2 - I recognize that "apart from [God] I have no good thing."
• Verse 4 - I do not worship false Gods.
• Verse 5 - I recognize God as "my portion and my cup."  I admit that He is everything that I need to sustain me.
• Verse 6 - I praise the Lord because he counsels me.
• Verse 7 - "I keep my eyes always on the Lord."  My focus is unwavering.

THEREFORE "I will rest secure."

I will rest secure because I keep my focus on God, praise Him, accept His counseling, recognize that he will sustain me, do not worship other gods, realize that apart from God I have no good thing, and take refuge.

Taking refuge, recognizing God's power and provision, praising Him, and keeping my focus on Him will allow me to rest secure.

I think I'm just going to let that sink in for a little while.

Psalm 16 - More About Refuge

If you've kept up with this blog, you will recognize this recurring theme of refuge.  My inability to experience refuge is what prompted the blog in the first place and I've mentioned repeatedly how the whole blog seems to be a journey focused on finding that safe refuge I used to so easily fall into.

To be honest, even with some of the new understandings about refuge that have settled into my heart, I still get uneasy when I come across another psalm focused on the topic.  It's like when you are already feeling self-conscious about the only clean outfit you could find that morning and then you get to work and someone mentions that there is a stain on the front of the shirt.  It makes you cringe and want to pick a fight all at the same time.  That might not be the best analogy, but I'm struggling to define exactly why it is so hard to read a psalm that deals with the purpose of the blog - refuge.

I guess the main reason reading about refuge is uncomfortable to me is because it is so obviously lacking from my life.  I try hard to have faith, but it's not always easy when things are tough and I can't seem to grasp onto the refuge I used to so easily take hold of.  I read about how refuge means a safe place and get frustrated because I can't seem to find that safe place.  Then, I wonder why I can't find refuge.  What am I doing wrong?  Why is God ignoring me?  Is he ignoring me?  When will things finally change?  The list continues and I have no answers.  At all.

So, Psalm 16 is no different than the previous refuge-focused psalms to me.  It's tough.  I see what refuge should look like and I long for it and I become frustrated because I can't reach it.  Then, I beat myself up.  If only I did this or this, God might let me have the refuge I desire.  Maybe if I wasn't so _____ or _____, I could feel close to God again.  Then I wonder, how much of this thinking is God trying to point me back toward him and how much of it is Satan trying to pull me away.

If you know me well, you know that I'm a very analytical person.  I spend a lot of time thinking and making decisions.  My brain and my heart do not handle unanswered questions very well.  I am used to understanding things and understanding them easily.  The current state of my relationship with God, however, seems incomprehensible.  How did I get here and how do I get out?  I think Psalm 16 helps illuminate some of those answers, even if the answers aren't exactly what I'm looking for.

Verse 4 says, "those who run after other gods will suffer more and more."  I could go on for a while about this idea of other gods, or idols, but I'll keep this brief.  While I don't chase down other deities, I do let my focus stray from the true God.  I don't worship things other than God, but I do let other things block the focus that should be directed toward Him.

I want to be able to say that God is "my portion and my cup," like David says in verse 5.  I know that once I am able to say that with honesty, I will be able to stop focusing on the circumstances in my life that seem so difficult at times.  Just like in verse 6, I want to praise the Lord and the instruction of God in my heart always.  I want to keep my eyes on the Lord and remain firm, unshaken, like in verse 7.

Psalm 15 - Mission Impossible

I've been avoiding this one for two reasons: 1) I wrote it once on a piece of notebook paper and lost it.  I was hoping to have found it.  2) It's almost depressing thinking about how short I fall on a daily basis.

In Psalm 15, David starts by asking God, "Who may dwell in your sacred tent?  Who may live on your holy mountain?"  In other words, who is able to live in communion with God - to have a connection with Him?  Here comes the depressing part: the answer.  To be connected to God, I must:

1. Walk blamelessly
2. Act righteously
3. Speak honestly, but with compassion
4. Refrain from slander
5. Avoid wronging anyone else
6. Abstain from speaking ill of anyone
7. Despise those who are vile
8. Honor those who fear God
9. Keep my promises even when it is beyond difficult
10. Remain steadfast in my thinking
11. Lend money to those less fortunate without interest
12. Avoid accepting bribes against the innocent

If I can do these 12 things, then the psalm says I will never be shaken.  I guess that explains why I have felt so shaken so often recently.  Quick confession:

1. My walk is anything but blameless.  I stumble so often that it probably doesn't qualify as a walk that often.
2. Acting righteously means acting in an upright manner, being virtuous, being good and honest.  I can easily think of times today I couldn't qualify myself as any of those things.
3. Sometimes my honesty comes across as being condescending and judgmental
4. As hard as I try not to be a gossip or say things about people behind their back, I'd be lying if I said it didn't happen.  In fact, it happened today. 
5. Anyone who knows me even remotely well can probably think of a time when I wronged them or someone they know, even if it was inadvertently.
6. See number 4.
7. I'm not sure about this one, to be honest.
8. Sometimes I look up to people who fear God and sometimes I think to myself, "It must be easy to have it all together when..."
9. Judging by the number of times I've been behind with posting, we all know how keeping difficult promises is going.
10. See number 9.
11. Not quite sure about this one.
12. Or this one.

So I guess it makes perfect sense that I feel shaken.  By the way, here are some synonyms for shaken:

• agitated
• disturbed
• jolted
• perturbed
• unsteady
• upset
• flustered
• overcome
• rattled
• bewildered
• overwhelmed
• beaten
• defeated
• conquered
• overpowered

There's no way for me to really put this next part into words, so I think I'm going to have to stick with a few verses that come to mind.  I'm sorry, but that's all I can manage right now. 

"Blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.  Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord will never count against them." -Romans 4:7-8

"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

 Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen." -1 Timothy 1:12-17

"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. ⁴ But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast.  For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." -Ephesians 2:1-10

Embarrassing

As some people have noticed, I have been extremely delayed in my posting.  Okay, let me rephrase.  I have not posted in over a month.  I do, however, have several posts that I wrote out and never got around to typing and posting, but I have been majorly neglectful of the blog.  My life is a little nuts right now and things seem to keep coming up.  Every time I turn around, we have somewhere we have to be or Scott has class, or there is some other random, lame excuse.  These other things are important, but I could have made time.  I should have made time.

I think I figured something out, though.  I don't fail at things and I stick to my commitments.  I am loyal.  Usually.  Sometimes I get distracted by life and I honestly, unintentionally forget something, like a blog.  Days go by and the blog doesn't even enter my mind.  By the time I think about it days later, I'm able to convince myself that tomorrow will be easier, better, more meaningful.

More time goes by and, before I know it, a month has passed and I hit the point of embarrassment.  I think, "No one has noticed that I've not been writing.  If I write the blog now, people will realize that I've been slacking this whole time.  People will get the wrong impression of me and think that I'm lazy or uncommitted.  It's better just to keep things quiet and hope to be unnoticeable."

I'm not saying that this is sound logic, but it's what goes through my head.  It's not even always a conscious thought process, but as I sat down to actually write a blog (because a couple people started pestering me), I realized how difficult it was to put myself out there again.  It's not easy in the first place to put my deepest,  most honest thoughts on the internet for anyone to read, but it's a challenge I felt called to take on.  That challenge becomes even harder when, because of my own shortcomings, I have failed in a public way.  Putting myself back out there again involves letting other people in on not only my thoughts, but also my faults.

So, I take ownership of my faults, but I hope you are able to see past them.  I promise to have the next post on the Psalms up soon.

Psalm 14 - A Study in Contrast

This psalm is pretty much the opposite of Psalm 8, which proclaims how glorious man is.  In stark contrast, Psalm 14 exposes how foolish and corrupt man is.  This contradiction serves to clarify the depth of how far man has fallen.

Psalm 8		Psalm 14
Verse 1	How majestic and glorious is God’s name	Verse 1	Fools say there is no God
Verse 2	God has ordained praise to silence foes	Verses 2 and 3	God notices that no one seeks him – they
Verse 3	God’s works are awe-inspiring	Verses 6 and 7	He needs to be a refuge and restore his people
Verse 4	What is man?	Verses 1 -7	Corrupt and evil!
Verse 5	Man is glorious, made in God’s image and rules over Earth	Verse 1	Man is corrupt and vile – no one is good
Verse 9	How majestic is God’s name	Verse 5	He is present with the righteous

I think I can summarize like this:

How majestic and glorious is God's name?  And yet, fools say there is no God.  These fools are evildoers, but the Lord has ordained praise to silence them.  Unfortunately, mankind has turned aside and no longer seeks God. 

Since God is capable of such awe-inspiring works, he needs to restore his people and provide refuge to them.  Mankind is in need of this refuge because they have become corrupt and evil.  The same mankind that God has created to be glorious, made in his image, has become corrupt and vile.  Now good is left in them.   

But still, God is majestic and has everything under control.  He is present with the righteous in the midst of all the chaos, corruption, and evil.

Want to know the scariest part of all this?  I can be described more aptly by corruption and evil than by glory and majesty most of the time.  It's not like I'm constantly purposefully denying God or choosing a path apart from him, but I'm not purposefully choosing him, either.  I want to be one of the people who seeks God, not one that has turned away.  

Psalm 13 - Far More Questions than Answers

Time to "break it down" again.

Verses 1-2
How long...

• Will God forget me?
• Will he hide his face from me?
• Must I wrestle with my thoughts?
• Must I have sorrow in my heart?
• Will my enemy triumph?

Verse 3a

A demand for God to answer

Verses 3b-4

Why God needs to answer

Verses 5-6

Statement of trust and praise


This psalm really does summarize my feelings.  I'm no longer angry at God (except every now and then), but I definitely understand questioning him.  I still feel like he is far off.  Really, I could echo most of the first two verses, claiming them as my own.  Then even put into words things I've had trouble explaining adequately.

For example, "Will [God] forget me forever?"  Are things ever going to get better, meaning am I ever going to get to the point where I no longer feel abandoned or distant?  "How long will [He] hide his face from me?"  And, why does it feel as if God is hiding his face from me?  Finally, "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts?"  Really, how long do I need to wrestle through the Psalms before God feels near to me again?  I really do feel like wrestling is the most apt description as I am battling for each and every minuscule amount of progress.

I wonder if David's demands for an answer were, in fact, answered.  He tells God to look on him and answer him, two very bold commands.  It encourages me to know that I can be equally as bold in asking God to answer me.  But, I also wonder, have I not been bold enough yet?  Or, have I been too bold?  Or, maybe it's just going to be awhile.  Did David get answered quickly?

David also had reasons to back up his demands.  What reasons do I have?  It's not killing me, as David alludes to in his own psalm.  I don't think the distance I'm feeling is making any enemies triumph over me.  What reasons could I possibly claim?

Finally, as I've noted repeatedly, David ends the psalm with praise and a promise of trust, even though no answer had been given.  It seems odd to me that he chooses to say he trusts in God because of his unfailing love, though.  After all, he was just complaining that God had basically turned away from him.  How could that possibly make him trust in God's unfailing love?  Could he perhaps have been only restating a long-ago accepted truth about God to reassure himself that God was, in fact, trustworthy?

Then, to end it all, David says he will sing praises because God has been good to him.  Again, it doesn't mesh with the previous verses.  Is David intentionally reminding himself of his blessings?

This, to me, is very frustrating.  I know I went into reading the psalms ready and willing to ask the tough questions and I said that I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up with even more questions.  However, I did not fully estimate the frustration that could come from 1) ending up with more questions than answers, and 2) not feeling any closer to God - at all.  I'm committed to keep working at it, but it's quite possibly even harder than I expected.