Psalm 13 - Far More Questions than Answers

Time to "break it down" again.

Verses 1-2
How long...

• Will God forget me?
• Will he hide his face from me?
• Must I wrestle with my thoughts?
• Must I have sorrow in my heart?
• Will my enemy triumph?

Verse 3a

A demand for God to answer

Verses 3b-4

Why God needs to answer

Verses 5-6

Statement of trust and praise


This psalm really does summarize my feelings.  I'm no longer angry at God (except every now and then), but I definitely understand questioning him.  I still feel like he is far off.  Really, I could echo most of the first two verses, claiming them as my own.  Then even put into words things I've had trouble explaining adequately.

For example, "Will [God] forget me forever?"  Are things ever going to get better, meaning am I ever going to get to the point where I no longer feel abandoned or distant?  "How long will [He] hide his face from me?"  And, why does it feel as if God is hiding his face from me?  Finally, "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts?"  Really, how long do I need to wrestle through the Psalms before God feels near to me again?  I really do feel like wrestling is the most apt description as I am battling for each and every minuscule amount of progress.

I wonder if David's demands for an answer were, in fact, answered.  He tells God to look on him and answer him, two very bold commands.  It encourages me to know that I can be equally as bold in asking God to answer me.  But, I also wonder, have I not been bold enough yet?  Or, have I been too bold?  Or, maybe it's just going to be awhile.  Did David get answered quickly?

David also had reasons to back up his demands.  What reasons do I have?  It's not killing me, as David alludes to in his own psalm.  I don't think the distance I'm feeling is making any enemies triumph over me.  What reasons could I possibly claim?

Finally, as I've noted repeatedly, David ends the psalm with praise and a promise of trust, even though no answer had been given.  It seems odd to me that he chooses to say he trusts in God because of his unfailing love, though.  After all, he was just complaining that God had basically turned away from him.  How could that possibly make him trust in God's unfailing love?  Could he perhaps have been only restating a long-ago accepted truth about God to reassure himself that God was, in fact, trustworthy?

Then, to end it all, David says he will sing praises because God has been good to him.  Again, it doesn't mesh with the previous verses.  Is David intentionally reminding himself of his blessings?

This, to me, is very frustrating.  I know I went into reading the psalms ready and willing to ask the tough questions and I said that I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up with even more questions.  However, I did not fully estimate the frustration that could come from 1) ending up with more questions than answers, and 2) not feeling any closer to God - at all.  I'm committed to keep working at it, but it's quite possibly even harder than I expected.  

Psalm 9 and the Thermometer

Since I started this blog, I have said many times that there are certain things that I have been taught that are considered truths about God.  These truths are things that I have grown up believing, but that had never really been tested in any real way.  While my faith was being tested, I held on to these beliefs, but as much as I've tried, I didn't feel it in any real way.

This might be difficult to understand if you've never felt that way before, so let me try to help.  It's like being outside in the middle of winter, completely bundled up from head to toe, leaving no skin exposed to the elements.  You're holding a thermometer and you know for a fact that it's 10 degrees outside, which, obviously, is frigid.  But, despite the cold outside, you don't feel the effects of the cold at all.  In fact, had you not been holding on to that thermometer, you never would have believed the truth about the temperature.

That's the way it's been with me.  I've felt like I've been "out in the cold" with God.  As part of a defense mechanism, I've added layer upon protective layer to keep out the "cold", whether cold means the distance I've felt between God and I or the situations I've been in.  Fortunately, I've experienced enough with God to be able to believe the truth about his goodness, or, to hold on to the thermometer.  If I had not been able to hold on to past experiences with God, I may not have been able to keep my faith.

This might not seem to relate to Psalm 9 at all, but when I look at the psalm, I see truths about God: things I have held on to as being truth, but that I haven't really had any sort of visceral, meaningful connection to.  This, of course, makes it more difficult to handle some of the situations I've been forced to deal with.  Imagine hanging on to a romantic relationship when your significant other no longer says that you are loved in ways that you can understand and also starts to do things that make life difficult and, at times, miserable for you.  You might eventually start to lose faith that your mate loves you at all.

Here are some of the examples of the "truths" that I am talking about:

• Verse 1 mentions "wonderful deeds."  I am no stranger to the wonderful things God has done for me or people around me, but in these difficult times, it was hard to be able to point out any "wonderful deeds" that were being done in my life.
• Verses 7 and 8 talk about how God rules from his throne with "righteousness" and judges with "equity."  I know this is true, but it goes against what I understand to be "fair."  God may have been ruling righteously and judging with equity, but I didn't understand the standards that he was using.
• Verse 9 says "the Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble."   I have believed this for years, but in the times of my life that can be most described as "troubled," I felt a distinct absence of God, not a refuge or stronghold.  I'll talk more about this in a later post; I don't want anyone thinking that I'm saying anything negative about God because I'm not.
• Verse 10 says that God has "never forsaken those who seek [him]."  That might be true, but I certainly felt forsaken.  
• Verse 18 says that God doesn't "forget the needy" and that the "hope of the afflicted will never perish."  So, why did I feel forgotten and hopeless?

I'm going to leave it at that for tonight, but I want to make sure I reiterate something one more time: I am NOT saying anything negative about God.  Like I said at the beginning of the post, these are things I know to be true about God.  I am just trying to convey what my thought process has been these last few years while I have felt so separated from God most of the time.  Like the thermometer analogy, I am beginning to think it takes a stronger faith to believe it's 10 degrees outside when you can't feel the effects of the weather, just like it takes a stronger faith to believe certain truths about God when you can't feel the visceral effects of those truths.

Psalm 4 - Answer Me When I Call

Here's some advanced warning: This is a long blog entry.  I understand you might not have the time or desire to read it in it's entirety, although I think there are some good insights in there.  However, if you don't want to read all of it, read the first three paragraphs and the last one.

Like Psalm 3, Psalm 4 is divided into three sections that I can see:

1. A demand for God to provide relief from distress.  This demand is directed towards God as David says, "Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God."  
2. Knowledge that God has set apart the godly and will hear their prayers, including David's own prayer for relief.  Also, a command to search your own heart and not lay blame elsewhere.  This section is directed towards people.
3. Trust in God because he can provide even greater joy than prosperity can.  He will allow you to sleep in peace, even in troubled times.  Again, this section is directed towards people.

This is where things get difficult for me.  My life is easier now than it was when I started this.  I don't feet the same pressure as I was earlier this year.  Therefore, it's going to be hard for me to look deeper instead of focusing on all the "Sunday School Answers" I've learned my whole life.  I'm going to have to really take my time and look at what I'm really supposed to be learning.  After all, my goal was to develop a real relationship with God based on honesty.

When I look deeper into this psalm, what immediately strikes me is the way David almost commands God to take action.  He says "answer me" and "give me relief" and "have mercy on me" and "hear my prayer." It seems gutsy almost to the point of being impertinent - and that's just in the first verse!  These four commands resonate with me in a way that not much else has over the past year as those are the exact same things I have felt like I have needed.  I need for God to answer me and give me relief and have mercy on me and hear my prayer, but what I want to focus on first is the first part of the verse where David says, "Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God."

The line struck me as almost unusual and made me wonder if there are any other places where the same phrasing is used.  There are.  According to my study Bible, there are seven times David uses this particular phrasing, not to mention the times other authors used it in the Bible.  I want to take a minute to look at the times when David uses it.

• Psalm 3:4 - "I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain."
• Psalm 4:1 - "Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God."
• Psalm 17:6 - "I call on you, my God, for you will answer me."
• Psalm 22:2 - "My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest."
• Psalm 27:7 - "Hear my voice when I call, LORD; be merciful to me and answer me."
• Psalm 86:7 - "When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me."
• Psalm 138:3 - "When I called, you answered me; you greatly emboldened me."

The bold verses above are ones where David doesn't mention an answer or even a possible answer from God.    Obviously, David knew that God would answer him because there are four other specific times where he uses the same language but added that God answered.  So, why did he leave that hopeful part out of the other three verses?  Based on my own experiences, I see at least four options:

1. He didn't feel like God was answering or would be answering soon.
2. He knew that God would answer based on his knowledge of God and past experiences, but saying it in that moment seemed forced, so he left it out.
3. He was feeling desperate and perhaps a little angry.
4. He knew the truth, but had a hard time believing it in the moment.

I can relate to all those explanations.  I know what it feels like to feel like God's not answering.  I still don't feel God's presence.  The only difference is, at this particular time in my life, I don't feel the same desperation I was feeling not long ago.  

If you skimmed over all of that because it seemed tedious to you, here's the part I'd like you to read.  From reading Psalm 4:1 and other verses from David like it, I've reached some conclusions.  First, it's acceptable to God to feel desperate and demand answers.  It's also fine not to verbally acknowledge the truths you know about God in those moments.  Second, even when it's not acknowledged or felt, the truth remains that God does answer my cries.  Lastly, it's easier to see those answers during times when I am farther removed from the pressure that caused the desperation in the first place.

Psalm 1 (and then some)

According to Psalm 1:6a, "The LORD watches over the way of the righteous."  I've been immersed in Christian culture long enough to know the truth of that statement, at least in my head.  In the past, I would have turned to a verse like that when I was struggling and been comforted.  Now, reading that verse leaves me  vaguely disturbed.  It's hard to explain how I can simultaneously know the truth of God's protection and also feel uncomfortable when reading a verse about it, but it basically comes down to a general overriding feeling that while God may be watching over me, he is certainly not interceding for me in any way.  Again, I'm not trying to offend or renounce my faith, so don't worry about me too much.

Here are the options that come to mind when I think about verse 6:

1. I am not, in fact, righteous enough to be watched over.  Therefore, I need to repent to be made righteous in God's eyes.  This makes sense as I know I am a sinner, but makes me feel like there are some magic words that need to be said to make everything better with God.  And that doesn't mesh with everything I have ever known to be true about Him.
2. I am actually being watched over, but I fail to recognize God's presence.  I need to be more aware of how He is working in my life.  But, how do I go about being more aware of Him.
3. The promise is untrue.  I'm not saying this is what I believe, but logically, it's an option for why I feel like I'm not being watched over.
4. When God says He will watch over us, He doesn't mean that He will actually step in, just that He is aware of what is going on.  So maybe, for some reason, God is fully aware of my struggle and not providing peace and comfort while I'm dealing with the difficulties.  This, to me, is the most devastating possible conclusion of the four.  How could a God I know to be loving see how much I'm struggling, hear me desperately call to Him, and not respond to me?

I think there might be some truth in some of these options.  I am a sinner who constantly needs to repent, something that I don't do nearly as much as I need to.  I am probably turning a blind eye to the way God is actually working in my life, partly because I'm angry and partly because I'm out of practice.  I don't think God should remove me from the struggle or fix the situation, but I also don't think there's anything biblically unsound about expecting peace or comfort.  

So I guess I'm no closer to understanding what it really means that God is watching over me.  I was brought up to believe verses like Psalm 1:6 and also Nahum 1:7, which says, "The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble.  He cares for those who trust him."  I have felt this sense of refuge before, but now, because God has felt so distant through so many troubled times, me heart can't honestly admit to trusting that God is my refuge. Sadly, this has meant that I don't have any reliable source of refuge at all through what has been the most emotionally difficult times of my life.

I am going into this "study" with more questions than answers.  In fact, the more I think about my questions, the more I come up with.  But, life is not always packaged neatly.  Sometimes questions take time to be answered and sometimes there are no answers to be had, and I'm learning that the process of seeking answers can be more trying than I ever imagined.

So, I guess my goal in all this is not really to look for simple answers. I'm seeking to be honest with myself and my God as I question and eventually, to find the peace and refuge that has been alluding me for so long.