May the Lord Answer You - Psalm 20, Part 1

Here is yet another example of a psalm that actually makes me nervous to think about, much less reflect on and write about.  For some reason, the beginning of this psalm leaves me feeling intimidated.  I'm not sure I can even explain what it is that leaves me feeling like anything I could say would be inadequate, but I think it all boils down to one word: shame.

Let me attempt to explain.  You see, I have been a Christian for a very long time.  I grew up in a Christian home with Christian values and have never doubted God's power.  So it shames me to be honest and say that I have been struggling for a while now with the perceived lack of God's power in my life.

Maybe I need to explain my explanation.  I know in my head that God is all-powerful and I believe that to be true whole-heartedly.  However, I have, at times, doubted whether God will use that power in my life in tangible ways.  It has never been an issue of could God, but rather would God.  Many times it has seemed, at least, that the answer is that God would not, leading to a vague sense of bitterness on my part.

So, when I read Psalm 20 and see a list of things that God is fully capable, I am conflicted because I believe my God can accomplish all that and more, but I don't have as much confidence that he will do that in my life right now.  And what does it say about my faith that I lack that confidence?

Verses 1 through 5 are framed by two very similar sentiments:

• May the Lord answer you when you are in distress.
• May the Lord grant all your requests.

In between though, may start to help me process through some of the bitterness I have felt.

Following the opening line, "May the Lord answer you when you are in distress," there is a list of requests.  May God:

• protect you
• send help
• grant support
• remember your sacrifices
• accept your offerings
• give you your desires
• make your plans succeed

Without transition, this is followed by what the response to those answered prayers would be: shouts of joy and lifting high the banner of God.  Basically, this means a lot of loud and obvious praising of God for bringing victory and answering prayer.  

Then comes the reminder that God hasn't yet answered the prayers, "May the Lord grant all your requests."  The psalmist, David in this case, has listed his requests in confidence fully believing that God could do all of that and more.  I wonder if he felt any shame over doubting whether God would answer.  

I tend to think that there wasn't any shame because the very next line boldly states, "Now this I know." There is no room for doubt in that confident, faith-filled statement.  Makes you wonder what would have David so confident if his prayers hadn't been answered yet.  

Well, here it is: "The Lord gives victory to his anointed.  He answers from his heavenly sanctuary..."  Again, no room for doubt or shame in that statement.  God may not have answered yet, but David had faith that he would.  

Like I said before, I have never doubted the power of God.  Maybe it's time for me to start trusting in that power a little more.  Then maybe I will share a little bit of David's confidence.

Psalm 12

Well, I guess I can't put it off any longer.  I have been trying to figure out Psalm 12 now for a couple weeks and I just can't figure out how it relates to me.  I just can't seem to find the right perspective with which to read it.  You see, the psalm deals with unfaithfulness and disloyalty, deception and boasting.  Things that don't seem to be relevant to my life at the moment.

So, I'm going to resort to a previous strategy and break the psalm down into broad sections:

1. David requests help from God (verses 1-4).
2. David quotes God as saying he will protect the weak and needy.  Then, he asserts that the words of the Lord are "flawless," meaning that if God said it, it must be true (verses 5-6).
3. David's prayer of confidence to God.  He states that God will be true to his word (verses 7-8).

Breaking the psalm down in this way helps me to generalize the meaning.  I may not be able to relate to unfaithfulness and deception, but I can relate to feeling the need to make requests of God.  My requests are just different.  I'm asking for relief, stamina, refuge.  

I really like that David goes straight from his request to quoting God.  And then, straight to saying that God's word is flawless and pure.  I think this is something I need to remind myself of.  A lot of times when I feel like my requests are unheard, my brain automatically quotes a familiar scripture about God's faithfulness and I cringe because, at the time, it doesn't ring true.  Then, I move on to the next thought.  I can't remember the last time I actually reminded myself that I can trust scripture and have fought back against my instinct to bristle at the "churchy" answers.   

That last insight may seem odd to you, or maybe even off-putting.  But, because of my perceived lack of refuge, I am having to fight to trust God.  I know that he has never been untrustworthy, but I have to constantly remind myself of that and even create arguments to prove to myself that God has indeed been faithful.  

Now that I've been honest about that, I'm going to challenge you.  If you have ever felt that way, please leave a comment letting me know if you found successful ways to re-trust in God.  Your support will be appreciated immensely.  If you can't relate to what I'm saying, please ask questions.  I'm serious.  Every single person who has asked me questions about the blog has helped me to reflect and make another tiny step toward complete faith.  So, thanks again to anyone who has pushed me to think more about my journey.  

Psalm 7 - Separating My Praise from My Struggle

I know I've done this with nearly every entry, but I am once again going to divide this psalm into sections because that seems to be an easy way for me to make it more personal.

• David asks for refuge (verses 1-2)
• David claims he is innocent (verses 3-5)
• David appeals to God for justice and vindication (verses 6-9)
• David proclaims confidence that God will reply (verses 10-13)
• David asserts that the evil with suffer (verses 14-16)
• David praises God (verse 17)

REFUGE

I mentioned before that I started reading through the Psalms in January, quit, and then began again with the blog to hold me accountable.  Ever since I first read Psalm 5 on February 17, I have clung to the word "refuge" and David uses the word once again in Psalm 7:1.  I'm not going to focus on it right now, but have an insight to share when I post about Psalm 11.  That insight is something that started a major shift in my thinking, but I digress.

INNOCENCE

David points out that he did nothing that could make himself guilty, and that if he had done evil, he would feel as if he deserved what was happening in his life.  

I understand this feeling.  In many ways, I feel like I did nothing to deserve some of the burdens I've faced in the past and recently - the burdens that have ultimately pushed me farther from God than I ever have been in my life.  In fact, the struggles recently have seemed to be because I followed God's direction.  If I hadn't done what I felt God was calling me to do in becoming a foster parent, I never would have dealt with many of my recent struggles.  Please don't take this to mean that I regret any of the placements we have accepted so far, just that they come with an understandable amount of added stress.  That stress is compounded because I have felt like God has abandoned me at the most difficult moments.

JUSTICE
David once again makes demands of God, telling God to rise up against the wicked and bring an end to their evil.  He demands that God also make the righteous secure.

I have trouble sometimes seeing God as a "just" God based on my own experiences and things I've witnessed.  So, when I struggle so much because I follow God, I don't understand why it seems like God's wrath is focused on me instead of the evil around me.  From my perspective, it's not fair, and as a human, I equate fairness with justice.  I have so many questions for God on this topic, but I don't think now is the time for me to dive into searching for answers on that particular topic.  We'll see what the rest of the Psalms bring for me in that area.

CONFIDENCE
David knows that God is his shield and will save him.  He also knows that he will defend him from evil and let loose his wrath on the wicked.

I know these things also, but only on an intellectual level.  I know God will protect me and will bring wrath against wickedness, but it's all in my head.  Where did David's confidence come from?  Was it just something he believed intellectually, but didn't really feel in the moment?  Is intellectual belief enough to be called faith?

When you read this, I know a lot of you are experiencing the urge to answer those questions or say something to defend God in this area.  Trust me, I think all those things too, even as I'm honestly writing what is in my heart.  I know the textbook "churchy" answers, but, as mentioned before, this is my chance to be sincere about what I'm dealing with, and I have faith that God can handle my questioning and even appreciates that I'm seeking.  So, please, if you want to give me something else to ponder, that would be awesome.  Just don't expect neatly packaged answers to be earth-shattering to me at the moment.

ASSERTION
David uses common sense and modern wisdom to reinforce his earlier confidence.  It's almost like he is giving himself a little pep-talk so that he can keep his earlier confidence.

This leads me to believe that maybe David's confidence in the earlier section really was intellectually based. Otherwise, why would he need this section of verses to bolster his earlier claims?  So, maybe my problem has been that when my trust and confidence in God is merely intellectual, I automatically assume that means my faith is weak and sometimes give up.  Perhaps there is significance to a faith that is based on clinging to truths you know about God even when you can't feel them.

PRAISE
David ends by saying he will give thanks and praise God because of God's righteousness.  It's almost like he's convincing himself that he will still thank and praise God, even though things are falling apart.  He also says he will do this because of God's righteousness.   

It's interesting that he picks this one attribute of God to focus on.  It's almost like it was one thing he was able to agree with intellectually, so he focused his praise on that.  It wouldn't make sense to praise God for refuge at this time, so he doesn't.  Instead, he asks for refuge and deliverance, but praises God for righteousness.  That way, his praise and thanksgiving remain honest and sincere.  He's not having to lie to himself or to God.

This gives me hope as I have been finding it hard to praise God without feeling insincere.  I beat myself up at church for singing words that don't seem to honestly reflect the state of my heart, just because that's what I'm supposed to do on Sunday.  Looking at Psalm 7 leads me to the conclusion that it's okay to separate your requests from your praise.  I can ask for what I need, be honest about my struggle, and still praise God for what I know to be true.  Sincerity doesn't demand that I can't praise God unless my faith is perfectly unshaken or radiating freely from my heart; it just means that I might be praising him for the beauty of his creation while I am begging for refuge that doesn't seem forthcoming.

My Own Psalm 6

This is by far the hardest post I have written as of yet.  At the end of the previous post, I mentioned wondering what it would be like if I wrote my own version of Psalm 6 based on bold demands, bold honesty, and bold confidence.  So, I did it.  Before you read it, though, please keep in mind that it is not at all easy for me to make myself vulnerable, especially not at this level.  First of all, I truly am being boldly honest.  Second, even though I love to write and have always possessed some level of talent, I never let anyone read something that is still a draft, and I feel like this is.  I am a perfectionist and rarely let anyone in on something that is anything less than nearly perfect.  

Psalm 6 - A Psalm of Katie

Lord, do not neglect me in your indifference 
   or ignore me in your apathy.  
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am desperate;
   renew me, Lord, for my soul is unfeeling.
My faith is in tatters.
   How long, O Lord, how long?


Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
   reach out to me because of your unfailing love.
I cannot remember you when you feel so distant.
   Who praises you when it echoes back, seemingly unheard?


I am worn out from trying.


For years I have scattered my days with frustrated weeping
   and drenched my face with hopeless tears.
My heart grows weak with futility;
   it stagnates because there is no discernible response.


Come back to me, God of my youth;
   I know you have heard my weeping.
You have heard my demand for connection;
   you accept my prayer.
All my years of distance will not be wasted by insignificance;
   they will be used to strengthen my faith.

Psalm 6 - Bold Demands, Bold Honesty, and Bold Confidence

The notes in my Bible say that David is requesting relief from an illness brought about as a rebuke for sin.  I'm not sure how they know that exactly, but I'm curious to know what was going on in David's life at the time.  What had he done?  How long had it been going on?  How long was he ill before he actually prayed this?

When I look at the way Psalm 6 is set up, I immediately notice the format.  There are two halves split in the middle by the beginning of verse 6 which says, "I am worn out from my groaning."  Because I was curious, I looked it up and this same literary device is used in Psalms 8, 21, 23, 34, 42, 47, 48, 54, 71, 74, 76, 82, 86, 92, 97, 113, 138, and 141.  The format of this psalm makes the sentence "I am worn out from my groaning" the climax, or turning point of the poem.  And when I read more carefully, I find that it really is the turning point.

1st Half - BOLD DEMANDS
For the first half of the psalm, David is begging for mercy.  He uses verbs, commanding God to do something:

• "Do not rebuke me"
• "Have mercy on me"
• "Heal me"
• "Turn and deliver me"
• "Save me"

This is bold.  David does not say, "Hey, if you wouldn't mind, would you please help me out a little."  He says, "Have mercy on me."  He even goes so far as to tell God no one can praise God from the grave.  

Climax - BOLD HONESTY

Then, the turning point, during which David is no less bold and honest.  He's straight-forward about being worn out.  He doesn't say he's felt better or pretend that things really aren't that bad as I tend to do when asked how I'm doing.  He feels miserable, so he tells God.

2nd Half - BOLD CONFIDENCE

The second half of the psalm is just as bold, but in a different way.  David displays remarkable confidence that God has heard him, even though he has yet to be healed:

• "Away from me evil"
• "The Lord has heard"
• "The Lord accepts my prayer"
• "My enemies will be ashamed and disgraced"

He still has no relief from his agony or assurance of healing, yet he triumphantly tells evil to be gone and says that the Lord has heard his prayer and accepted it.  He confidently proclaims that his enemies will be ashamed and disgraced.  

Psalm 6 has given me a lot to think about.  I know I started reading the Psalms because I knew they were bold and honest, but I suppose I forgot just how frank they were and how supremely confident the authors sometimes seem in the midst of their honesty.  It makes me wonder:

• Where does this confidence come from?
• How does David seem to know that God has heard him and accepted his prayer even though he's still not healed?
• If I were to write a similarly honest psalm to God containing bold demands, bold honesty, and bold confidence, what would it look like?

Psalm 3

If you read my last blog entry, you would know that it took me literally two weeks to get to any application of Psalm 3 to my life because I spent that much time looking at the history of David's life.  I've decided not to go into any sort of detail here because my purpose is to keep my focus on the personal rather than the intellectual.  However, if you haven't read the accounts about David found in 1 and 2 Samuel, read it.  Even if you weren't trying to discern any spiritual lessons from those books, you could still read it just for entertainment.  It has all the elements of a current television, movie, or book drama or suspense.

I see three major parts to the Psalm:

1. I have so many enemies.
2. God shields me from those enemies and answers my cries for help.
3. Therefore, I am not afraid because my victory comes from God.

Even though my purpose isn't really to add to my store of biblical knowledge, the context of David's situation is helpful to me in making this psalm more personal.  David really did have so many enemies and when he writes this psalm, he is specifically referring to Absalom, his own son, who had started a revolution against him.  So, not only is David dealing with being physically in danger, fleeing, and fighting, he is also dealing with the betrayal of his own son turning against him.

Still, somehow David is able to say confidently that God is protecting him.  Beyond that, he says that God is his glory and is helping him to hold his head high.  He has 100 percent confidence in God when everything around him that could be construed as a sign is pointing toward being deserted by God.  

When I think in those terms, the parallel to my own life is unmistakeable and a psalm that seemed to be relatively irrelevant comes to life.  But, there is a huge difference between David and I.  There have been many times recently where I have felt desperate and deserted.  From years of biblical upbringing, I can say that I believe in my head that God is watching over me, but in reality my faith has been shaken.  I did not have that supreme confidence in God as David did and I certainly did not feel victorious.  Even now, removed from the situations that caused such acute stress, I feel relief, but not victory.  It's like the pressure has been removed, but I'm still wondering, "What was the point?"

Again, I have more questions than answers.  Why has God let me feel deserted?  Why have I had to deal with all the things that have led me to being so distant from God?  Why can't I be like other people (or like I used to be) and feel close to God through struggle?  How can I get close to God if I have a hard time trusting that He won't desert me?  How can my faith be renewed when I feel let down that all my knowledge of God didn't mesh with my real life experiences?  

And, perhaps most importantly, how can I come out of these last several years feeling victorious?