Perfectionism

In a conversation with my mom earlier a couple months ago, I mentioned that I was learning that I was a perfectionist.  She laughed at me.  That's right.  My mom laughed at me.

At first, I was a little taken aback.  My mom has never been the type of person to laugh at me when I'm struggling or being honest, so what was her deal?  What had I said that was so funny?  Before I had much time to think about it, she continued, asking why it had taken me so long to finally admit what she has been telling me for years.  Apparently, she has been telling me in various ways, for a significant period of time, that I am a perfectionist and, for some reason, I just haven't been able to accept it as truth.

I have spent months thinking about this one brief conversation and I think I've finally reached some conclusions.  First, I am a perfectionist.  Second, my particular need for perfection is directed inward and doesn't always manifest itself outwardly.

Why did it take me so long to figure out that I am, in fact, a perfectionist?  To answer that question, I think I need to define the caricature of perfectionism that has been developing in my brain since childhood.

A perfectionist is precisely groomed and dressed at all times.  She would never be caught wearing sweats or stained clothing.  Wrinkles are out of the question.  Her hair is never haphazardly done or thrown in a ponytail.  If it looks haphazard, it has been purposefully made to look that way after considerable effort.  The perfectionist coordinates clothes with shoes, jewelry, and other accessories so that she looks put-together.  Makeup is tastefully done to look like it isn't being worn at all and can be adjusted easily to accommodate any situation.

Let's face it, I definitely do not fit with this image of perfectionism.

Everything around a perfectionist is also neat, clean, and orderly, whether it is her desk, her home, or her car.  Papers are neatly filed.  Pens and pencils are placed in a holder at the corner of the desk, always easily found.  When entering the home of a perfectionist, the non-perfectionist cringes, worried about touching anything for fear of somehow messing up the cleanliness and organization of the space.  One spill or misplaced item would certainly be noticed immediately.  And don't even get me started on the perfectionist's closets.

If you have ever been to my house, my workplace, or seen my car,  it would be pretty obvious that this description is nowhere close to a description of me.

Finally, a perfectionist is supremely organized.  Appointments are scheduled in advance, written neatly in a proper planner, and never missed.  A perfectionist never forgets to do anything on her to-do list.   She never has a moment of panic when she realizes she has forgotten something incredibly, or not so incredibly, important.  Grocery lists are carefully planned and on grocery day nothing is forgotten.

Again, not me.

I'm sure anyone reading this can identify with at least part of my description.  My image of perfectionism has been growing and evolving for years, but it wasn't until very recently that I realized that I have somehow made a very important error.

Somehow, I have confused perfectionism with perfection.

A perfectionist, by definition, must be a person.  Based on the root word "perfect," one can surmise that a perfectionist is a person who is driven by being perfect.  Perfection, on the other hand, isn't a person at all, but an idea.  I am now very confident that while I am not even approaching perfection, I am, perhaps unfortunately, driven by perfection.

I plan to delve more deeply into the applications of this realization in a later post, but basically it means I hold myself to an impossible standard - all the time.  And because I can never live up to this self-imposed standard, I spend a good deal of time experiencing guilt and feelings of inadequacy.

For example, sometimes I feel an incredible urge to write, but I put it off because I don't have the time at that moment for perfection or, even worse, my husband is nearby and I don't want to take the chance that he might read something over my shoulder that is imperfectly composed.  It sounds crazy.  It is crazy.  But it's the reason I haven't blogged in months.  What if someone noticed that my writing was lacking in content or in editing?  What if it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be?  So, I fight back the urge to write and move on.

Before you go thinking that I was that kid with those parents, the ones who imposed such strict standards that the child is terrified of failure, let me just say that nothing could be farther from the truth.  I've done a lot of thinking about why I'm like this and I can't quite pinpoint a set of reasons.  As my four-year-old daughter says often, "It's just the way God made me."

I have so much more to say about this topic, but I feel like I've already gone on too long.  I do, however, feel like I need to mention one last thing.  This self-imposed standard of perfection is just that: self-imposed.  No one else is holding me to this standard.  God, in his infinite grace, isn't even holding me to this standard.  Every minute I spend feeling guilt over not being perfect enough is a wasted minute, a minute in which I am purposefully turning my back on God's gift of grace.

Psalm 15 - Mission Impossible

I've been avoiding this one for two reasons: 1) I wrote it once on a piece of notebook paper and lost it.  I was hoping to have found it.  2) It's almost depressing thinking about how short I fall on a daily basis.

In Psalm 15, David starts by asking God, "Who may dwell in your sacred tent?  Who may live on your holy mountain?"  In other words, who is able to live in communion with God - to have a connection with Him?  Here comes the depressing part: the answer.  To be connected to God, I must:

1. Walk blamelessly
2. Act righteously
3. Speak honestly, but with compassion
4. Refrain from slander
5. Avoid wronging anyone else
6. Abstain from speaking ill of anyone
7. Despise those who are vile
8. Honor those who fear God
9. Keep my promises even when it is beyond difficult
10. Remain steadfast in my thinking
11. Lend money to those less fortunate without interest
12. Avoid accepting bribes against the innocent

If I can do these 12 things, then the psalm says I will never be shaken.  I guess that explains why I have felt so shaken so often recently.  Quick confession:

1. My walk is anything but blameless.  I stumble so often that it probably doesn't qualify as a walk that often.
2. Acting righteously means acting in an upright manner, being virtuous, being good and honest.  I can easily think of times today I couldn't qualify myself as any of those things.
3. Sometimes my honesty comes across as being condescending and judgmental
4. As hard as I try not to be a gossip or say things about people behind their back, I'd be lying if I said it didn't happen.  In fact, it happened today. 
5. Anyone who knows me even remotely well can probably think of a time when I wronged them or someone they know, even if it was inadvertently.
6. See number 4.
7. I'm not sure about this one, to be honest.
8. Sometimes I look up to people who fear God and sometimes I think to myself, "It must be easy to have it all together when..."
9. Judging by the number of times I've been behind with posting, we all know how keeping difficult promises is going.
10. See number 9.
11. Not quite sure about this one.
12. Or this one.

So I guess it makes perfect sense that I feel shaken.  By the way, here are some synonyms for shaken:

• agitated
• disturbed
• jolted
• perturbed
• unsteady
• upset
• flustered
• overcome
• rattled
• bewildered
• overwhelmed
• beaten
• defeated
• conquered
• overpowered

There's no way for me to really put this next part into words, so I think I'm going to have to stick with a few verses that come to mind.  I'm sorry, but that's all I can manage right now. 

"Blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.  Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord will never count against them." -Romans 4:7-8

"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

 Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen." -1 Timothy 1:12-17

"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. ⁴ But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast.  For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." -Ephesians 2:1-10