Then I Will Be Blameless

I'm not sure that I have completely processed Psalm 19 at this point, but I'm starting to learn that sometimes you just have to jump in and do something even if you don't have the time to do it perfectly.  This is one of those times because I couldn't wait to share an "aha" moment I had while I was reading Psalm 19 this morning.  I also realize that by writing about this psalm, I am skipping posting about several.  Those posts are currently in the works and I have decided they can wait because this one is on my heart today.

When I started reading this psalm today and saw that it was very familiar to me, I must admit that I wondered what I could possibly "get out" of it.  I'm not saying that my fleeting thought was correct by any stretch of the imagination and thankfully, God did lead me to "get" something out of the chapter.

Starting in verse 7, there are several verses that talk about how God's Law is perfect, trustworthy, radiant, right, pure, sure, and righteous.  This handful of verses also talked about the benefits that come from the Law.  It revives the soul, it makes the simple wise, gives light to the eyes, and is more precious than gold.   As long as I have been a Christian, I have struggled to make sense of passages like this.  To me, the Law has never been reviving or joy-giving, but instead tends to be guilt-enducing.  I know the Law is perfect and I am, well, not.

Just as I'm beginning down my usual path of thinking about all the ways I don't quite measure up, I read on.  Verses 12 and 13 say, in part, this, "Forgive my hidden faults...Keep your servant also from willful sins...Then I will be blameless."  Duh.  I'm not sure if this has just never sunken in before or if it's one of God's truths that I just too easily forget.  I am not expected to be blameless.  I'm not completely sure why, but sometimes I forget that I become blameless because I'm forgiven, not that I'm forgiven because I am blameless.  Perfection is not expected because I am incapable of it.  But, my imperfection in light of the Law is the very thing that should bring me joy because it serves to remind me of the One who is perfect.

My imperfections allow me to appreciate how incredible it was that Jesus was perfect.  They allow me to recognize the magnitude of what he did for me and to seek forgiveness for every fault whether hidden or willful.  THEN and only then will I be blameless.  THEN I can see the Law as reviving because I will be looking at it through the lens of what Jesus has done.

I also need to remember that my "failings" in other areas of my life - the things I perceive I'm not doing right as a mother, wife, friend, or whatever - those things may not be imperfections in light of the Law.  In other words, those things might not hold as much value as I sometimes assign to them.  Small example: in light of what Jesus has done for me, does it really matter that I currently have an entire basket of unmatched socks spread throughout my living room?  (Or that I have an entire basket of unmatched socks to begin with?)

Instead, my focus should be the last verse of Psalm 19:

May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Psalm 15 - Mission Impossible

I've been avoiding this one for two reasons: 1) I wrote it once on a piece of notebook paper and lost it.  I was hoping to have found it.  2) It's almost depressing thinking about how short I fall on a daily basis.

In Psalm 15, David starts by asking God, "Who may dwell in your sacred tent?  Who may live on your holy mountain?"  In other words, who is able to live in communion with God - to have a connection with Him?  Here comes the depressing part: the answer.  To be connected to God, I must:

1. Walk blamelessly
2. Act righteously
3. Speak honestly, but with compassion
4. Refrain from slander
5. Avoid wronging anyone else
6. Abstain from speaking ill of anyone
7. Despise those who are vile
8. Honor those who fear God
9. Keep my promises even when it is beyond difficult
10. Remain steadfast in my thinking
11. Lend money to those less fortunate without interest
12. Avoid accepting bribes against the innocent

If I can do these 12 things, then the psalm says I will never be shaken.  I guess that explains why I have felt so shaken so often recently.  Quick confession:

1. My walk is anything but blameless.  I stumble so often that it probably doesn't qualify as a walk that often.
2. Acting righteously means acting in an upright manner, being virtuous, being good and honest.  I can easily think of times today I couldn't qualify myself as any of those things.
3. Sometimes my honesty comes across as being condescending and judgmental
4. As hard as I try not to be a gossip or say things about people behind their back, I'd be lying if I said it didn't happen.  In fact, it happened today. 
5. Anyone who knows me even remotely well can probably think of a time when I wronged them or someone they know, even if it was inadvertently.
6. See number 4.
7. I'm not sure about this one, to be honest.
8. Sometimes I look up to people who fear God and sometimes I think to myself, "It must be easy to have it all together when..."
9. Judging by the number of times I've been behind with posting, we all know how keeping difficult promises is going.
10. See number 9.
11. Not quite sure about this one.
12. Or this one.

So I guess it makes perfect sense that I feel shaken.  By the way, here are some synonyms for shaken:

• agitated
• disturbed
• jolted
• perturbed
• unsteady
• upset
• flustered
• overcome
• rattled
• bewildered
• overwhelmed
• beaten
• defeated
• conquered
• overpowered

There's no way for me to really put this next part into words, so I think I'm going to have to stick with a few verses that come to mind.  I'm sorry, but that's all I can manage right now. 

"Blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.  Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord will never count against them." -Romans 4:7-8

"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

 Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen." -1 Timothy 1:12-17

"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. ⁴ But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast.  For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." -Ephesians 2:1-10

Psalm 1

To start, I'm going to go back through all the Psalms again, starting with Psalm 1.  Some of the things I mention will be things that stuck out to me the first time I read through it, way back in January.  To give some perspective, in January we had four kids, two were ours and two were foster children so close in age to our own they might as well have been two sets of twins.  Needless to say, during this time I was not looking at anything through a lens of peace, but through one of chaos and struggle a lot of times.


I looked at Psalm 1 with two translations, NIV and The Message, the NIV because it's what I'm used to and The Message because it's different.  One thing stands out in the NIV that doesn't in The Message and that is the first two verses.  Psalm 1:1 says,  


¹ Blessed is the one 
   who does not walk in step with the wicked 
or stand in the way that sinners take 
   or sit in the company of mockers...

To me, this verse represents a progression.  First comes walking in step with the wicked.  When walking, it's easy to alter your course to avoid sin, but it's also easy to keep your momentum going and not even notice that you're following sin.  If you take the analogy one step further, you get standing in sin.  This is a choice: recognizing that you are in sin and choosing to stay there.  One step more and you are sitting in sin: a decision not only to stay in sin, but also to make yourself comfortable in in.  

My purpose in reading the Psalms, though, is not simply to understand things intellectually and come away with more knowledge to store away.  I'm at a point in my faith where intellectual knowledge alone is not enough.  So, when I read that verse more carefully, I see myself in it.  It's hard at first to classify myself as "wicked," but I see the truth in it when I consider the progression of the past five or so years of my life. 

First, I started wandering from God, a little bit here and there, but always coming back to Him.  This isn't the type of wandering you may be thinking.  On the outside, my life didn't change.  Anyone looking at me from a worldly perspective wouldn't have seen me doing anything wrong.  But, because of the circumstances of my life, I began closing my heart off to God, one little piece at a time.  Over time, when I would turn back to Him, I would keep more and more of those closed-off sections to myself.  

Eventually, my wanderings became longer.  It would be months before I would actually turn my heart back toward God again and when I did, I was holding back.  It's not so much that I made a choice to stand away from God, but I did make choices to not turn back to Him.  There were many specific times when I felt God tugging at my heart a little, but instead of turning back, I would choose to stand my ground, keeping myself separated from Him.  There are too many reasons for why I did this to go into detail, but at the core of all my reasons was that I was wounded and blamed God for much of it.  

After a while, I became comfortable with my life the way it was and noticed God even less than before.  I still don't know if it's because I wasn't ready to hear or if God really was leaving me to my own devices, but suffice it to say that God felt more distant than He ever had - at a time when I needed Him the most.  

Looking back, I can see that I caused the great chasm between myself and my Lord, but I still experience anger and bitterness.  I made a series of decisions that put an increasing amount of space between myself and God.  Of course, the space crescendoed to a point where, when I finally felt the need to call out to God because of my circumstances, all I felt was a resounding, deafening silence.  After all my time avoiding God, it felt like he was intentionally avoiding me.

To be perfectly honest, I still feel that way about God much of the time.  I grew up in church, so I know all the verses about how God won't abandon us and how He won't give us more than we can handle.  While intellectually I know the truth in those verses, right now, sometimes hearing those verses almost make me want to physically cringe.  I'm not trying to offend anyone and I definitely am not headed down the path to renouncing my faith.  Quite the opposite, I think I'm finally starting the journey towards real faith rather than a superficially easy faith: a transition from the theoretical the the deeply meaningful.  And I don't think God intends that transition to be easy.