Let Faith Arise

This post should be about Psalm 12 since my last one was about Psalm 11, but for many reasons I am not ready to move on (one of them being that I have no idea how to relate Psalm 12 to my life right now).  So, for today, I am going to post something that I have been thinking about posting for at least two weeks.

Now, I'm not usually one who gets wrapped up in whatever song is "trendy" or makes a habit of calling songs "mine."  I know plenty of people who do and it suits them, it's just not in my personality.  But, for weeks, there has been a song that I just can't get out of my head, probably because of how much it relates to my faith recently.  So, without further ado, here is a "trendy" (in Christian radio) song that I am starting to think of as "mine," Chris Tomlin's "Let Faith Arise."

If you know me well or have been keeping up with the blog, you will probably immediately recognize some parts of the song that I'm relating to.  There is so much that I could say to explain everything that I think I could ramble on for pages.  So, in the hopes of keeping everything as succinct as possible, I'm going to start from the beginning.

The very first verse says, "Be still, there is a Healer/His love is deeper than the sea/His mercy is unfailing/His arms, a fortress for the weak."  Never in my life have I felt such a need for healing and mercy as I have in the past months.  I have certainly not spent any time being still.  Sure, my life has been hectic without a doubt.  But, in reality, I have felt broken and have distracted myself from the desperation by keeping myself busy, not leaving any time to feel the disconnect from God.  Is this why I haven't felt the healing, love, and mercy I have been so desperate to have?

Then, there is a simple pre-chorus: "Let faith arise."  Let.  Again, has my faith been so weak because I have been stifling it, not letting it arise?

The chorus is what struck me so hard the first time I heard the song.  It starts with, "I lift my hands to believe again."  I have to take action.  If I want to believe God and trust Him again whole-heartedly, I need to act, to lift my hands.  You know, even thinking about that at this very moment is stressful.  I am anxious typing this because the thought of lifting my hands means a vulnerability toward God that I don't feel ready for.  It means I can't protect myself anymore.  To believe again, I have to raise my arms as a statement of faith to God.  I know this isn't necessarily a literal lifting of my arms, but right now my heart is pounding and I feel like I have a 30 pound weight sitting on my arms.

The next line is one that I probably don't need to explain, considering the content of pretty much every other blog post.  It says, "You are my refuge.  You are my strength."

Then, "As I pour out my heart, these things I remember/You are faithful, God, forever."  Well, I think my blog qualifies as pouring out my heart, but when I think about the recent struggles I have been dealing with, I am blind to all the times God has been faithful - to me and to those around me.  But still, the stubborn, hurt, part of me wants to demand, "If You are so faithful, God, why did I feel deserted when ____ happened?"  And my arms still feel weighed down.

Then, it hits me.  How much more faithful can I ask God to be?  As the next verse says, "Be still, there is a river/That flows from Calvary's tree/A fountain for the thirsty/Your grace that washes over me."  Jesus let his blood flow freely for me.  He experienced COMPLETE separation from his own Father.  For me.  A little lighter.

Let faith arise.

My Own Psalm 6

This is by far the hardest post I have written as of yet.  At the end of the previous post, I mentioned wondering what it would be like if I wrote my own version of Psalm 6 based on bold demands, bold honesty, and bold confidence.  So, I did it.  Before you read it, though, please keep in mind that it is not at all easy for me to make myself vulnerable, especially not at this level.  First of all, I truly am being boldly honest.  Second, even though I love to write and have always possessed some level of talent, I never let anyone read something that is still a draft, and I feel like this is.  I am a perfectionist and rarely let anyone in on something that is anything less than nearly perfect.  

Psalm 6 - A Psalm of Katie

Lord, do not neglect me in your indifference 
   or ignore me in your apathy.  
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am desperate;
   renew me, Lord, for my soul is unfeeling.
My faith is in tatters.
   How long, O Lord, how long?


Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
   reach out to me because of your unfailing love.
I cannot remember you when you feel so distant.
   Who praises you when it echoes back, seemingly unheard?


I am worn out from trying.


For years I have scattered my days with frustrated weeping
   and drenched my face with hopeless tears.
My heart grows weak with futility;
   it stagnates because there is no discernible response.


Come back to me, God of my youth;
   I know you have heard my weeping.
You have heard my demand for connection;
   you accept my prayer.
All my years of distance will not be wasted by insignificance;
   they will be used to strengthen my faith.

No Excuses

On January 21, I decided to start reading through the Psalms one-by-one, reading a little each day.  By March 21, I had made it through Psalm 10.  And that's as far as I got.  I can explain away my lack of commitment in numerous ways:

• My life is busy - I have work and (now) three kids and a husband, and my house is a mess.
• I need some time to relax, so that would be the best use of any quiet time I manage to sneak in.
• I didn't really feel any closer to God through the process.
• I didn't have anyone to keep me accountable.
• It's hard to take time away from the family I love.
• It can be difficult to read at that pace - always examining the passage and my heart closely.

But really, it comes down to a lack of commitment on my part.  I could have dealt with each of those obstacles, some of them in a very simple manner.  Instead, I chose to ignore what God had put on my heart to do.  It's amazing how easily I let go of that small bit of excitement I felt at trying to get closer to God again.  

So here I am six months later.  Yes, I can still use those excuses, but I don't want to.  I am committing to reading every day until I make it all the way through the Psalms.  I will read carefully, searching for what God needs to teach me.  And, so that I can't quit before I'm done, I am going to post what I'm learning (or not learning) on this blog.  I have blogged before, but never publicly, so this has the potential to make me vulnerable in a new way.  For those of you who know me well, you will understand that I'm a private person.  I don't feel the need to share my thoughts and feelings with everyone and I don't like the focus to be on me.  So, you will know how difficult a process this could be for me.  I would appreciate any encouragement you can give - and a good kick in the pants if I slack off again.